A Nice Place to Visit, But I WouldnÂ’t Want to Live There

If you were not aware, I am a man. I love the ladies, and every so often, the ladies get drunk enough to love me back. As a man, I was born with certain paraphernalia that the ladies were not, and vice versa. I know that the ladies don’t have the same amenities that we do because, as I said, sometimes they get drunk and I get educated. I think we are all mature enough adults to know what it is I am referring to without me reverting to such childish names as “wiener” and “noony.”

The reason I am letting you in on this little nugget of truth is I want to express my overwhelming relief at not having the equipment that we men are so fond of chasing. Many women have told me that they would never want to possess our gear and I donÂ’t blame them. No one likes being told what to do, and that is exactly what he does. IÂ’ve had one for twenty-four years, and itÂ’s gotten me into nothing but trouble, but I digress. IÂ’m not here to bash old peter; heÂ’s a good buddy of mine. I wish I could buy him a beer, and if he could talk, he would probably tell me how much he has enjoyed being a part of the team and how he is looking forward to the next issue of Juggs. 

Let me explain my position on the matter in simple scientific terms. A womanÂ’s special place is much like the moon. Not because of the craters or the lack of oxygen or even the net transfer of rotational energy, slowing down the Earth's rotation by about 1.5 milliseconds per century and raising the Moon into a higher orbit by about 3.8 centimeters per year. No, young man, none of that.

ItÂ’s because everyone wants to go there, but after a couple of hours, you are damn sure ready to leave. Who wouldnÂ’t enjoy a nice afternoon trip to the moon? No one, thatÂ’s who. And if you tell me any differently, I will call you a liar, take you to the moon for a nice round of moon golf, have a couple of beers in the clubhouse, and never invite you again. Then weÂ’ll see who doesnÂ’t like the moon.

It would be awesome to visit, but no one wants to live on the moon, at least no one cool wants to. There are probably a couple of nerds out there who would be happy as clams living on the moon, and as far as IÂ’m concerned, they can go. ItÂ’ll save me the time of beating them up and taking things from them, because I am a man and real men pick on those weaker than themselves. ItÂ’s true. Ask Vin Diesel.

I am in no way bashing the moon; IÂ’ve loved the moon since junior high. And IÂ’m sure, one day, IÂ’ll settle down and actually find my own moon, but for now, itÂ’s a big galaxy out there and my space probe has just got to explore. Jupiter has sixteen moons, and IÂ’ve heard all you have to do is get them drunk and youÂ’re in.

So, in closing, space travelers, if you only take one thing away from the ramblings of this old cosmonaut, let it be this: Make sure to wear a spacesuit on your travels, because no one wants to come down with a case of space herpes. Thank you and good night.