HelloÂ…Is This Thing On?

Okay, in keeping with the spirit of this column, IÂ’ve got to Tell da Troof: Only one person emailed me about my column last month. Well, considering this column is based on the questions and responses of you, the readers of Red Shtick Magazine, getting only one response makes for a pretty easy day at the desktop for me and a really short f–kinÂ’ article! Okay people, let me say this once more, email me. Ask me something or respond to the question of the month. I donÂ’t care what you ask or how you respond. If itÂ’s something f–kinÂ’ stupid, then IÂ’ll let you know youÂ’re an idiot and give you an answer anyway. If youÂ’re worried about me getting your email address, then just go to the damn website and make an anonymous post in my forum, dammit!

Oh, come on, people! You ask Dear Abby questions all the time, and the sh–t she spews out isn’t worth the industrial-strength toilet paper I steal from work to use at home to wipe my ass ‘til I personally remove a bleeding hemorrhoid! What the hell am I supposed to tell my publisher when he asks me for my column a week before the regularly scheduled deadline, when I’m trying to recover from a night of drinking and carousing with strippers ten years younger than me, and I have only one emailed response from one of you “faithful readers,” two empty bottles of something that may or may not have been prescription strength Tylenol™, and three butt-naked, blonde, bombed-out strippers from Livingston Parish who may or may not share the same grandparents? Hunh?

So you know what I’m going to do to fill this thing up? Too late; you had your chance to answer sh–t for this month! I’m going to answer random sh–t I remember people asking me at work, on the street, and in my head.

Brian from Prairieville asks: “What does ‘crunk’ mean and what is ‘pimp juice’?”

Answer: First and foremost, for a skinny white kid who actually enjoys being white and doesn’t listen to a lot of corporate [c]rap, this was an honest question, so I’ll answer it honestly. “Crunk” is a high-energy, hip-hop form that is danceable and yet hardcore. It also refers to the state of being ready to party to the point of exhaustion. It is analogous to punk and moshing in rock. “Pimp juice” refers to a person’s charisma and his or her ability to attract and manipulate the opposite sex. With “juice” used colloquially to refer to “power” and pimps being known for having a strong charisma, the phrase literally means “the power of the pimp.”

Some random homeless woman outside a Chevron asks: “Can you help a sister with some change? I’ve been sick.”

Answer: “Vrooom!!!” This was actually answered by my car.

Brain from inside my head asks: “Why the hell did my publisher decide to use broken English to spell the name of this column?”

Answer: Because he thought it would be funny for the black man to speak in a broken dialect and it would probably make what I have to say to you readers more palatable if we begin the article by ridiculing it.

Last MonthÂ’s Question: Whose baby will be sexier: Tom Cruise and Katie HolmesÂ’ or Brad Pitt and Angelina JolieÂ’s?

Bella F. answers: “The Pittolie will definitely be sexier. The CruHo will be screamin’ ugly…but please don’t. Screaming isn’t allowed in Scientology.”

Question of the Month

Where were you when you first heard, “Dick Sprays Best Friend in the Face”?

DyinÂ’ to ask a brotha a question without actually having to die? Holla atcha boy at greg@redshtickmagazine and heÂ’ll tell ya da troof.