February 2006

Movies

Brokeback Mountain – This appears to be a love story with a twist, which is man-on-man love. A team of rabid Clydesdales couldn’t drag me into the theater for this steaming pile of dreck. I don’t like any kind of romantic movie, much less one starring only men. I can watch Oz all day long, but the second you put two men in a loving embrace, I get a little queasy. For that matter, any people in a loving embrace makes me queasy. I just have to wonder why only Heath Ledger got nominated for a Best Actor Golden Globe. Do they think that maybe Jake Gyllenhaal wasn’t acting…?

Big Momma’s House 2 – I don’t know what crime Martin Lawrence is trying to prevent in this film, but if he were actually a cop, he would have arrested the writers ahead of time for cruel and unusual punishment. This should be a bigger crime than O.J.

DVDs

This month, there are lots of new releases. I am going to name them and then review them:

Hustle and Flow, Four Brothers, Must Love Dogs, Roll Bounce, and The Fog.

And now the reviews: Garbage. Lame. IÂ’d see Brokeback Mountain first. Two verbs as a title? How about two adjectives to describe it: atrocious, awful. Wait, the killer in this movie is basically a low-hanging cloud? This month is a perfect example of why I donÂ’t see movies anymore.

I know people are going to start thinking I am only negative, so I will point out the one bright spot in this void. The Aristocrats will be coming out next month. This is supposed to be a great comedy that the whole family can enjoy. Invite everyone over, break out the popcorn, put Grandma up close, and let the hilarity ensue.

Music

Nelly has one of the most popular songs in the country right now. It’s called “Grillz.” The travesty of this song is that they think gold-and-diamond tooth covers make them cool. The only thing it makes them do is lisp. Grillz, for those that don’t know, aren’t individual tooth coverings, but rather, they cover all the front teeth. I know what you are thinking: “Isn’t that a retainer?” Yes, it is. They spend all this money to have something that most people hate. What’s next? Diamonds in the braces, platinum head gear? When you rap that poorly, you probably shouldn’t be adding hindrances to your mouth functionality. Football players don’t keep their mouthpieces in at the press conference, do they?