They Should Make a Spray for That

It seems the media has been really focusing on the weather for the past few weeks. Not only the weather hitting and slamming into the gulf, but also the weather from around the world. I have to ask the media this: WHO CARES? Of course there are tornados and tidal waves in Japan; big deal! We nuked them 70 years ago and gave them radioactive rain. The Black Sea is flooding; whoop dee doo! We have a campaign trail to follow. Hurricane Ivan is coming into the gulf; who gives aÂ… wait, thatÂ’s going to hit AmericaÂ… Oh please, oh please, oh please, letÂ’s have a five-day weekend!

It seemed that the world was looking forward to Ivan “the terrible” slamming into New Orleans and making it the biggest sewage-filled cereal bowl in the southern United States. Since it is about 20,000 leagues below sea level, it’s only a matter of time before a hurricane comes through and ruins everyone’s day down there. The entire French Quarter would be one big trough of party gravy. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see it filled to the brim with that sweet mixture of alcohol and unmentionable bodily fluids.

 


On a lighter note, it looks like car bombers killed eight more people in Baghdad. You would think that, after fifty million previous car bombs, they would run out of people to drive the damn things. Do they have a woman in a cave somewhere spitting out tiny little car-bomb drivers? Is she the queen terrorist behind this crazy car-bombing terrorist cell? If we kill her, does this merciless slaughter cease? These are unanswerable questions to serious issues, my friends. If only there were some spray or something we could use: a spray that, when it came into contact with the car-bomberÂ’s skin, would cause his whole body to liquefy (because he came from the queenÂ’s womb). This spray could be mass-produced by Raid or any other chemical-producing company. IÂ’m getting a little ahead of myself; letÂ’s just keep praying we can find the queen.

Meanwhile, back on the home front, weÂ’re in a huge tumult thanks to the election coming up in November. According to sources, we have two unofficial polls going. Since God has a sense of humor, both are extremely different from one another with regards to the candidatesÂ’ standings. A Gallup poll released a few Fridays ago said that the Republican National Convention in New York actually helped our commander-in-chief by strengthening his support to 55 per cent versus KerryÂ’s 42 per cent. But lo and behold, a poll held by Pew Research Center shows both competitors in a dead heat. Given that, on average, about 90 million people vote in the general election, and giving the poll people the benefit of the doubt, they are off by about TEN MILLION PEOPLE. ThatÂ’s right, folks: Bush was elected by a margin of hundreds of thousands, and now we canÂ’t account for ten million.

Where are these unaccounted souls? Lots of places. We put about two million on the probe to the sun that unfortunately crash-landed in the desert, damaging all of their voting abilities beyond recovery. Three million of them are in Iraq, not as soldiers but as contractors building McDonald’s, Wal-Marts, and Circle Ks, dodging the occasional kidnapping/beheading trail of tears, and applying vast portions of car-bomber-keep-away spray. Two-and-a-half million are currently streaking at all LSU home football games. Two million have been securely packed into the ozone hole over Antarctica, thanks to recent scientific discoveries unraveling the effectiveness of human shields against radioactive particles. The last 500,000? Let’s just say that, when Colin Powell bitch-slapped the hell out of United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan’s argument about our acting outside of convention rules when we “went to war,” there was a little slave trade involved. That’s right; we’ve come full circle. The most powerful black man in the world is now trading white, republican voters to another extremely powerful African man in the UN.

JBob is a senior studying computers and international business at LSU. Access his world headquarters via jbob@redshtickmagazine.com.