Thar She Blows

Dear Joann,

I figured, since youÂ’re a girl, you might be able to give me a pointer or two with my situation. ThereÂ’s this girl I like a lot, but I canÂ’t seem to talk to her. ItÂ’s not that IÂ’m shy; I just canÂ’t seem to get a word in when IÂ’m around her. She just talks too much!

I know it sounds contradictory to say I canÂ’t talk to a girl because she talks too much, but thereÂ’s just no other way to explain it. ItÂ’s one of those deals where a person talks all the time without really saying anything.

I like her personality and, of course, sheÂ’s really cute, but IÂ’m a pretty peaceful guy who enjoys the quiet of the morning before the rush of the day begins. I canÂ’t imagine spending all of my time with the human equivalent of a magpie, but I donÂ’t want to give up too quickly. She seems to have a lot of what IÂ’m looking for in a girl. 


I guess IÂ’m asking why most girls seem to talk so much. Maybe if I know that I can get her to stop. And, hey, that might even lead to her listening, in which case there might even be a ring. Any pointers on how to land this potential future bride?

Reluctantly Speechless

Well, for starters, allow me to thank you for takinÂ’ it on faith that IÂ’m a girl; this isnÂ’t TV or radio after all, itÂ’s print. I could say IÂ’m Joann Kumiega, young, sexy, love-goddess extraordinaire when IÂ’m actually Biff, a 42-year-old child-support contributor of two (one from each marriage) who has never known the love of a woman without alcohol. I just figured IÂ’d get more mail with my current pseudonymÂ…or would I?

Anyway, IÂ’m sure you have struck a nerve with many a male reader on this topic. Many women do talk a lot. IÂ’ve known several women whom, were I shackled to them and lost the key, I would gladly gnaw off the offending limb just to know peace again. Of course, IÂ’ve known my share of men like that, too. ItÂ’s all I can do to stop myself longing to swallow a .38 hollow point when IÂ’m around them.

However, this affliction does seem to be a more prevalent female characteristic. I have many a theory on why this is, though I’m not sure they will be of any assistance. For starters, women tend to be more detail-oriented than men. We consume ourselves with the who, what, when, where, why, and how of everyday affairs. That’s why many fall prey to soap operas – loads of juicy little tidbits to absorb.

We canÂ’t resist digging for all those little bits of information to process, and we do that by talking to the mail man, our girl friends, the next-door neighbor, our co-workers, your co-workers, your friends, your neighbors, etc. I think itÂ’s because our brains are always in hyper-drive. IÂ’m not making any remarks in regards to male vs. female intelligence, IÂ’m just saying that the female brain is usually going ninety miles a minute thinking about what men feel is frivolous nonsense.

A survey was done asking women what they would do if they could be a man for a day. At the top of the list was having sex with a woman to see how it felt, but not me. If I could be a man for a day I would (drum roll, please) do absolutely nothing. I want to know what itÂ’s like to sit around for a whole day and not have a single thought run through my head; to just scratch myself and commune with my bodily functions. It must be bliss. Now if I had a second day, sex with a woman would be at the top of the menu.

I once had a colleague tell me that men and women have a set limit of the amount of words they could use in a day, like a word meter, and that a womanÂ’s word meter was just a lot longer than a manÂ’s. Therefore, a man would fill up his word meter during the day at work, talking to clients and such, so that when he got home he barely had any words left to use talking to his wife and kids. I almost bought this line, until I noticed that he would spend every chance he got chewinÂ’ the fat with his buddies after work. Word meters, my eye!

All that aside, itÂ’s quite possible that the little girlÂ’s just nervous around you and contracts diarrhea of the mouth whenever sheÂ’s around you, adopting the say-anything approach until she hits on a topic you can both relate to.

As far as planning a wedding date is concerned, youÂ’d better cool your jets, partner. You donÂ’t even know anything about her beyond her apparently large lung capacity. For all you know, she may ascribe to the Lorena Bobbitt school of relationship philosophy. Find out if she can be silent long enough to sit through a wedding ceremony.

IÂ’ll tell you this, though: If you do ever get a word in, and yÂ’all do hook up, if she ever starts disturbing your peace, just pop a cork in her mouth. By cork, I mean wang. YouÂ’d be surprised how quickly she becomes speechless. The only sounds sheÂ’ll be making then will only serve to enhance the experience.

Joann is a working gal – er, a hard-working girl – who is on a never-ending quest to understand the psyche of both sexes. Relate to her at joann@redshtickmagazine.com.