When the Bases Are Loaded and You Are, TooÂ…

Let’s face it. You’re rich, and you need the financial planner who is right for you. You need a guy who can protect your retirement investments. You need a guy who will allow you to live a tax-efficient life. You need a guy who can make you able to see your kids through college. Sure, you need all those things in a financial planner, but what you really need is a guy who knows how to play hardball.You need a 14-year veteran of the financial services industry, a guy who specializes in retirement planning, asset allocation strategies, and developing customized financial plans for the firm's clients. Sure, it’d be great to have that in a financial planner, but what you’re really saying to me is, “Adam, I really need the guy who played first base for LSU's first three College World Series teams in 1986, 1987, and 1989. That’s what financial planning means to me.” Well, my friend, your man is Pete Bush.Or maybe you want to go a completely different route. Maybe you want a guy who focuses on financial and estate planning, tax-efficient investing, and tax-management strategies for the firm's high-net-worth clientele. And maybe you’re saying to yourself, “But any financial planner can do that. My family needs a financial planner who used to be the pitching coach for the LSU Tigers from 1988-91, which included LSU's first National Championship in 1991, as well as serving stints at South Carolina and Louisiana Tech, not to mention the Philadelphia Phillies and the Texas Rangers. That’s what financial planning means to my family.” Well, my friend, your man is Randy Davis.

Am I not speaking your language? Do you need a fresh outlook on your financial planning? Do you need a guy who cuts to the chase and leaves that boring, financial-planning jargon for later? Maybe you need a guy whose qualifications include a successful, six-year career in professional baseball with the St. Louis Cardinals, who made him their third-round pick in the 1997 amateur draft. Maybe it wouldnÂ’t hurt if he was an All-American, All-SEC, and an integral part of two National Championships in 1996 and 1997? If thatÂ’s what financial planning means to you, your man is Patrick Coogan.

Or maybe you just need a guy who cuts the crap altogether and says, “Here I am, world. You’re welcome.” You need a guy who spent 18 years in professional baseball, which included a 12-year, major-league career with the Twins, Orioles, Royals, Dodgers, and Pirates, and who led LSU to the 1986 SEC Championship and the school’s first-ever College World Series appearance in 1986, when the Twins drafted him in the 10th round. If this doesn’t say “financial planner,” then I don’t know what does. Clearly, you need Jeff Reboulet.

What would you say if I told you that all four of these monsters of financial planning were parts of the very same firm? You’d probably say, “Adam, I can’t believe that this orgasm of financial planning can be contained by one firm. This is unbelievable!”

Or maybe itÂ’s not really financial planning youÂ’re looking for. Maybe you want to buy or sell a house. WellÂ….

“Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar! Buying or selling, give Andie a holler!”

If youÂ’re like me, youÂ’re sold. Andie Triche clearly knows how to sell me a houseÂ….

OK, I canÂ’t keep up this obvious sarcasm. It is clear that either (a) Ms. Triche is stupid, or (b) Ms. Triche is a brilliant woman trying to sell houses to stupid people. Either way, geez, woman! Grow up, will yaÂ’? YouÂ’re pushing 40, for GodÂ’s sake! The last time you were a cheerleader, I didnÂ’t even have pubes!

Have you seen this ad, people? It’s in a local social magazine, and it’s a picture of her as a cheerleader 11 years ago with “Two Bits” in gold next to it. And we’re all in on the joke – the “cheerleader” stereotypes are that they’re stupid and they put out. We all know this.

But hey, maybe IÂ’m out of touch. Maybe this millennium, itÂ’s the stupid whore that succeeds in the business world.

IÂ’m gonna call Coogan now.

Adam Wilson, a West Monroe native, is a regular on the Baton Rouge comedy scene, performing standup with Red Stick Comedy and improvisation and sketch with The Family Dinner. He can be contacted at adam@redshtickmagazine.com.