What’s Up, ‘Cuz?

Greetings and salutations. I know y’all been wondering where I been hiding. I been sick – not in the head, but actually sick.But before I continue, I want to thank the people at the Lady of the Lake hospital. Thank you for challenging my manhood, having a doctor stick his hand in my… Let’s just say, that’s messed up. While I was laying in my hospital bed, I got a lot of things done. I read countless Newsdays and US News & World Reports and Time Magazines. For some reason, the Catholic hospital newsstand don’t carry Black Tail. You know a brotha gotta have that Tail to get him through, if the bro-hams know what I mean.One of the most interesting articles I read was about Strom Thurmond and the bro-ham that white people love to hate, Reverend Al Sharpton, having a very unique connection. Apparently, in the article, Strom Thurmond’s distant cousin or cousin or aunt or uncle or mom’n’em or somebody owned Al Sharpton’s great-grandfather.So I got to laying in my bed, high on the good medication, ‘cause I am paying for it legally. If I wanted to own some white people, who would I like to own?First, my favorite white person to own would be Parish Hilton, ‘cause that scrawny heifer puts in work. She’s dumb as a box of rocks, but she puts in work. She’s a walking, talking, gold mine. And don’t worry, White America, I don’t want to touch her.

The next person I would like to own – and I can’t believe I’m actually saying this – is Rudolph Giuliani. If he can clean up Lower Manhattan, hell, he can clean up New Orleans. Not saying that Ray ain’t doin’ a good job, but y’all gonna make him hurt somebody. Keep f–king with him. Oh, by the way, if you’ve never had a Ray Nagin daiquiri at Zippy’s, you’re doing yourself a disservice – it’s great with the fish tacos.

And my last and final person would be Simon off American Karaoke. I just want to bring him to my grandmother so she can beat his ass for jumping on that big girl last year. By the way, how is it that the big girl get paid for the pictures and gets booted off, but the white girl donÂ’t get paid for the pictures and she gets to stay on? Shall I say, if it donÂ’t make dollars, it donÂ’t make sense?

But enough of that American Karaoke. I’m just waiting for it to come to Baton Rouge so I can go onstage and do my rendition of “I Am Telling You.” The first time that little beady-eyed motha f–ka tells me something, he’s gonna need “Security!” I’ll be like Hezbollah on his ass – terroristic.

And now for me to be more festive and wonderful, as I normally am. What is up with all these actors, actresses, and socialites with these video cameras? First, you had P. Hilton, then you had Screech, and now Kim Kardashian? By the way, I’ve seen the excerpts. Shall I say it’s worth the $29.95 from VivVideo? You can purchase it online at www… OK, White Man, I won’t give ‘em all the info, because you would be considered a pornographer if I did.

Anyway, the thing I really want to talk about with the video cameras is the stupid things people do, like having your nephews smoke weed on camera at the ages of 2 and 3 and laughing about it. They should have age limits on cameras like they have age limits on guns, because video cameras don’t shoot stupid sh–t; people shoot stupid sh–t on video cameras. Having those lil’ kids smokin’ the L on video camera, and they look like professionals, too, keeping the tip dry. Anybody who smokes L know that the blunt is never wet if you a professional. All you wet-tip blunt smokers: y’all need a pipe.

By the way, just for the white people who are nervous right now about Valley Park: There is no such thing as a gang, especially in Southern Louisiana. They wasn’t throwin’ gang signs; they were just throwin’ fleurs des lis at you – not the kind that you’re used to seeing, but that’s another form of a fleur de lis – a way to say, “Welcome to the neighborhood. You’re #1.”

Y’all are really shocked that a school where bad kids go when they’re bad at regular school is worse than the school that your kids attend? Well, that’s like puttin’ all the mafiosos and terrorists in a school – they got to blow up something or they got to shoot somebody. First of all, what you need to do is send my aunt over there with about eight belts. Let me come over there with a gun or two…OK, no guns.

YouÂ’re gonna kick kids off the bus and put them on city transportation? They really not coming to school now. Have you ever rode a city bus lately? Oh my God.

Anyway, on top of that, you not gonna kick ‘em out when they do bad? You know why they not gonna kick ‘em out? ‘Cause the city needs the bread. The next time those kids shoot somebody… Let’s just say Jetson Correctional has a good school, too, or let’s just say boot camp.

Anyway, Peace Out!