votes, goats, and zebras

Well, look whoÂ’s in the runoff for EBR Mayor-President. ItÂ’s Bobby Simpson and Kip Holden. Does this sound familiar? It should if you were around here four years ago. Remember what happened back then? ThatÂ’s right: Bobby narrowly won. Some folks believe the outcome will be the same this November 2. IÂ’d like to take this opportunity to remind these folks that a great deal has changed in the last four years.

Simpson is no longer an unknown entity, seen only as the heir-apparent to Tom Ed McHugh. The incumbent has a record with which we’re all too familiar. Oh, then there’s that whole “serial killers” deal. By the way, I’ve always heard criminal profilers say that serial killers are typically white and highly intelligent. Only Baton Rouge would produce one who’s black and retarded.

If you want to reelect Bobby Simpson into office for another four years because you like his record and believe that heÂ’ll better lead this city, I insist that you vote for him. If, however, you plan on voting for Bobby simply because Kip has too much pigment, let me help you enter the 21st century. Think of me as a political/racial facilitator as I try to dispel your fears.

While I cannot predict the future, I can promise you that certain things will not happen if Kip Holden is elected as mayor. First, he will not replace the water supply with Hennessy or Courvoisier. Secondly, he will not install spinning rims on all the city’s buses. Finally, he will not sign a law changing the official song of Baton Rouge to “Back That Ass Up.”

Wow, that felt good. So good, in fact, I feel a top ten list coming onÂ…

Top Ten Reasons to Vote for Kip Holden as Mayor-President:

10. We deserve to have the sharpest-dressed mayor in the country.

9. No one should have to become Catholic to drink wine on Sunday.

8. Hearing the city pronounced “Baton Rudge” never gets old.

7. A mayor who actually resides in the city – what a novel idea!

6. When you have 26 buttons on your suit coat, the president has to let you ride in his limo.

5. The “D” next to his name stands for “Downtown.”

4. Two words: Pat Englade

3. He never went “John McEnroe” on a woman in public.

2. White folks can say, “I’m not racist. I voted for Kip!”

1. One Baton Rouge is better.

An Unholy Union with a Saint

Recently at Red Shtick Magazine, we toyed with the idea of breaking a story that involved Kathleen Blanco, Tom Benson, and a goat named Hal that was sacrificed in the name of Beelzebub. We came across photographs that depicted Blanco and Benson imbibing the goatÂ’s blood from its skull. Although the source that provided these photos was considered to be unimpeachable, the pictures were later found to be doctored.

Even so, we still considered going forth with the story, because our crack staff discovered an 86-year-old man who swore that he was a witness to this dark rite. In fact, he said he distinctly remembered the entire episode, in which he claims that LouisianaÂ’s then-future governor remarked that the blood could use a little Tabasco.

Despite all the evidence we had acquired, we felt that going forward with such a report might irrevocably harm our publicationÂ’s reputation. Therefore, we decided to err on the side of caution and not print this politically damaging, yet intriguing, story. Too bad Dan Rather and CBS News had to learn this lesson the hard way.

Hey Ref, YouÂ’re Missing a Great War!

The presidential election is fast-approaching, and I havenÂ’t yet weighed in on the subject. With that, please allow me to put my two cents in concerning this very important issue. I believe that the key concern in this election deals with the security of our nation. It takes precedence over all other issues, including health care, social security, and education. After all, what good does it do to have affordable prescription drugs or a great retirement system if youÂ’re going to be slaughtered like the infidel that you are?

Let’s look at how the candidates stack up in the foreign policy department as though they were officiating a football game. George W. Bush has had his share of blown calls. For example, on that aircraft carrier last year, he signaled “game over” right after the opening kickoff. He’s also been calling “touchdown” when, in fact, the ball is nowhere near the goal line. But at least he’s been calling a consistently bad game. I can stomach bad calls from a ref as long as he calls it the same way throughout the match. Also, he hasn’t let the boos from the crowd or the whining of the coaches and players influence his decisions. He’s been calling it like he’s seen it.

John Kerry calls it in a much different manner. Before he ever makes a call, he likes to check with the fans to see what they think first. When the rules prescribe a 15-yard penalty, he prefers to give a stern warning, in order to be more sensitive to the offending team. He also seems to debate with himself over a call for quite some time before ever reaching a final and binding decision. Kerry will throw his penalty flag, pick it up, wave off the foul, then throw it again, only to pick it up and throw it once more. (The man has had so many positions on Iraq, his foreign policy resembles the Kama Sutra.) Even his wife has been known to blow a few inadvertent whistles here and there.

Regardless of which ref youÂ’d rather see on the field for the next four years, the bottom line is that on November 2, itÂ’s YOU that makes the call.