UFC Me in the Parking Lot

To me, and apparently, many others, there is nothing better than to watch two guys beat each other senseless with flurries of elbows, flying knees, chokes, and arm bars inside of a steel cage. That kind of fighting is much more entertaining than watching boring old boxing, where two guys circle each other, trade very few punches, and usually rely on a decision to determine the winner of the bout.
Ultimate Fighting, on the other hand, is pure, no-holds-barred fighting. Although it’s fun to watch the raging maniacs of the UFC®, WEC™, and PRIDE® pound each others’ faces in, I think that, by throwing out some of the traditional rules of mixed martial arts fighting and by adding some new, crazier rules, we can make the sport of fighting a little more entertaining.

First of all, we have to get rid of all protective gear. We need more blood, less gloves, and less mouthpieces. A bare fist delivered to an unprotected mouth is sure to scatter blood and teeth across the ring. If youÂ’re a front-row spectator, you may receive the honor of catching a dislodged tooth. It would be similar to catching a foul or homerun ball at a baseball game. After the fight, you may be able to get that tooth autographedÂ…that is, if the fighterÂ’s still alive.

ThatÂ’s right, next rule: Fight to the death. The last man standing wins: no knockouts, no tap-outs, and no decisions. Biting, scratching, hair-pulling, toe-stomping, fish-hooking, nut shotsÂ…all of that good stuff should be legal. The one general rule should be: Do whatever it takes to survive.

Of course, this rule would act as a serious population control on fighters. ThatÂ’s why the federations should start drafting convicts that have been sentenced to death. TheyÂ’re going to die anyway. Why not get a little bit of entertainment out of these guys before they suffer the penalty of capital punishment at the hands of a fellow inmate? ThereÂ’s nothing better than watching a couple of criminals fight for their lives.

Also, fighting to the death could take a while. Fighters get tired quickly, and itÂ’s probably pretty challenging to kill someone in hand-to-hand combat. ThatÂ’s why, after a certain time limit expires, weapons should be introduced. The arsenal should include swords, daggers, clubs, whips, brass knuckles, lead pipes, throwing stars, mallets, axes, chainsaws, blowguns, rocks, light sabersÂ…pretty much anything but modern warfare stuff (guns, grenades, rocket launchers, tanks, etc.).

We also need to set these fights up in different venues. Fighters should square off in the desert, on a beach, in wet, dirty, downtown alleyways, and maybe even on space stations.

Speaking of space, I’m under the assumption that David Blaine, Criss “Mindfreak” Angel from A&E, and Derren “Mind Control” Brown of the Sci Fi channel are all Jedi Masters. There are no humanly possible means by which these “illusionists” can get away with some of the ridiculous stunts that they pull off. Yeah, I know they’re just TV shows with illusions, pocket-picking, and psychological schemes, but I would love to give these guys a couple of light sabers and send them to the moon for a serious Star Wars battle to the death. Okay, that was a little bit off-topic, but anyway…

We need to put these ultimate fighting combatants into environments that they can use to their advantage. For example, on the beach, they can kick sand into their opponentsÂ’ eyes or drown them in the water. In the desert, fighters can use cacti and rattlesnakes. Or how about having these psychos fight in a no-gravity setting on a space station? That would be sweet.

How far will the sporting world go to entertain the fans? IÂ’m hoping their imagination is bigger and better than mine and that theyÂ’re already planning some of these malicious and entertaining developments for the sport.

It seems like we have regressed in the complexity of sports over the past decade. Instead of sports with intricate rules like baseball, football, soccer, tennis, etc., spectators would rather watch two guys have it out – two guys giving each other “the business,” as Jim Henderson of WWL radio would say. Boxing popularity is dying out and making way for this “street fighting” style of scrapping.

It seems as though ancient Roman gladiatorial fighting is resurfacing as the wave of the future. I, personally, think it makes for great entertainment. I just hope that I donÂ’t get convicted and sentenced to death any time soon. I donÂ’t think IÂ’d fare well in the ultimate fighting world.