Tom Cruise

According to New York Daily News, actress and newly converted Scientologist Katie Holmes will give birth sans drugs and noise, or at least attempt to. Why would the first-time expectant mother even think of going through hours of labor in silence and without the aid of a good old-fashioned epidural? Chalk it up to Holmes’ fiancé, quasi-pedophile and renowned psychiatry expert, Tom Cruise.As a fanatical practitioner of Scientology, not only is Cruise fervently opposed to the use of painkillers, but he is insistent that his barely legal, soon-to-be baby’s momma not even utter a peep while her pubic region is distorted beyond recognition.Cruise steadfastly believes what L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology, taught about the process of childbirth: specifically, that “it’s traumatic for babies to hear their mothers groan or cry.” Isn’t it funny how men can be gurus about an activity they’ll never experience?Furthermore, Hubbard instructs his followers to “maintain silence in the presence of birth to save the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go.” This “silent-birth” doctrine also states that newborns should not be poked or prodded for medical tests, nor should they even be spoken to, for their first seven days in the world. The belief is that babies go through so much pain during the birthing process, they shouldn't have to experience any further discomfort or sensory experience that could haunt them later in life.

Right. ItÂ’s the baby who experiences all the pain and trauma. Meanwhile, mom is experiencing nirvana in her nether region.

In our opinion, Cruise is a complete ass. Just because he didnÂ’t give Katie Holmes sufficient reason to make any noise when he got her pregnant, it doesnÂ’t mean that she needs to be absolutely quiet when she gives birth.

One can only wonder how Mr. Cruise would like it if he had to give birth to a watermelon. On second thought, he might actually wish for twins. Never mind.