Thanks for Celebrities and Drugs

Ah, celebrities and drug abuse: it doesnÂ’t get any better than that. The best drugs, the best clubs, the best lifestyle, and the worst media exposure.

Why canÂ’t we leave these people alone? TheyÂ’ve grabbed our attention, captured our hearts and imaginations, served as role models for youngsters, and earned lots of dollars doing it. And we love them for it. So whatÂ’s the problem with a little celebrity cocaine-and-alcohol-binging?


There are countless crackheads, potheads, acid munchers, XTC gobblers, heroin junkies, juice monkeys, coke fiends, Adderallics, alcoholics, pill poppers, and speed freaks that arenÂ’t famous. We donÂ’t cause a big fuss about these druggies. So why canÂ’t celebrities get away with recreational drug abuse?

It might have something to do with the fact that a substantial amount of these entertainers died from alleged overdoses. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but so the f–k what. In the words of the late, great Hunter S. Thompson, “Buy the ticket. Take the ride.”

ThatÂ’s exactly what these people have done. TheyÂ’ve pushed their habits to the extreme and lived like they wanted to live. That should be commended, not condemned.

I feel sorry for the masses of our society that chose to be conservative and not push themselves to do what they wanted to do. You can do whatever you want: snort crank, bang OxyContin®, rape women, subscribe to pedophilia, fight dogs, drive 40 mph over the speed limit, run naked through the streets, wave your cock at oncoming traffic. You can do whatever you want. As my bumper sticker says, “Stop bitching and start a revolution.” Or, like the old NIKE®slogan, “Just do it.”

A wise man once told me, “You are as powerful as you perceive yourself to be.” And it’s as simple as that.

Let’s take Scott Stapp from the band Creed, for example. He truly lives like a rock star. I remember a secret video of him and Kid Rock that surfaced a while back. The video shows Scott catching a head job from a groupie after one of his shows. You can see a head bobbing up and down in Scott’s lap as he looks at the camera and says, “It’s good to be the king.” You are as powerful as you perceive yourself to be…Scott Stapp is “the king.”

Stapp has also been arrested for domestic abuse. He allegedly threw a beer bottle at his wifeÂ’s headÂ…awesome. He also got into a barroom brawl with some of the members of 311. I donÂ’t think he won that one, but youÂ’ve got to give it to the guy.

He also appeared on Spike TVÂ’s Casino Cinema a while back, smashed beyond belief, throwing out comments like, “Hey, Dave Grohl, you got a little cock,” or “Babies DO come from my sac,” or “You f–king wanna try my ass? Scott Stapp IS f–king Creed.” My favorite part of the video was when he said that Bono of U2 was an a–hole. (I share that same feeling and, evidently, so does South Park. In one of their latest episodes, they established Bono as the biggest crap ever taken.) Do yourself a favor and check out the Scott Stapp video on YouTube. ItÂ’s pure gold.

My point is that Scott does what he wants and suffers little to no consequences. My hatÂ’s off to you, sir.

Steve-O of Jackass has made a living doing this sort of thing. He appeared on Too Late with Adam Corolla about a year ago and destroyed AdamÂ’s set. The next day, he called Adam and apologized for not showing up. Wow! He didnÂ’t even know he was there.

“Give me some of that stuff. Woo!” – Weezer

Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, and Britney Spears are all easy targets…too easy (in more ways than one). I really don’t need to say much about them, just “Keep up the good work, ladies – the crotch shots, DUIs, nipple slips, rehab visits, drugged-out performances on the MTV Video Music Awards, etc. Thank you for giving us a peek at what we can only dream of seeing or accomplishing. We love you and your sleazy, promiscuous ways of life.”

So, with Thanksgiving right around the corner, I think we should all be thankful for the great things that these celebrities have done to entertain us. Whether movies, music, TV shows, drug frenzies, or sex tapes, IÂ’m very grateful to you all. Keep up the good work.

We should also remember what we are celebrating on this holiday. WeÂ’re celebrating our ancestorsÂ’ systematic murdering of Native Americans so we could take their land - or, as they liked to call it back in the day, Manifest Destiny.

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