I am so happy that Terrell Owens did not attempt to commit suicide. Not that I care about him as a person or a football player, because I am sicker of seeing him on TV than I am of seeing myself naked. For those of you that have seen me naked, you already know how horrendous that can be. For those that haven’t, picture…never mind; you don’t want that picture. I am happy it turned out not to be a suicide attempt because if Terrell Owens (multimillionaire, winner of “best physique in the world” by several fitness publications, one of the most talented football players of all time) is too depressed to live, then there isn’t much hope for the rest of us, especially me.Now on to my usual drivel. There are two groups of people that have infuriated me lately. There is a special section of hell waiting for people that refuse to turn right at a red light, even though there is no traffic anywhere. It really should be legal to drag these morons from their cars, flay off their skin, and wear it like a medieval cloak. If you are that scared to be behind the wheel, don’t get into the car. Conversely, you should also be able to tear off the eyelids of people who honk and yell when you are waiting for the light to change so you can go straight, and they need to turn right. If there is a faster way to get a scalding cup of coffee thrown in your window than that, I haven’t found it yet.

If you are part of a couple, and you go out to eat and sit on the same side of the booth, please seek counseling. You are sociopaths and a danger to society. I’m not talking about when there is more than one couple involved; then, it’s ok. If it is just the two of you, stop; you are sick.

How can you have a conversation like that? You don’t do it with chairs. If you saw a couple sitting like that in chairs, you would call the police. You can’t even stare at her boobs! What a waste. Why do you think we take them out to dinner in the first place??

I tried to buy a shirt at a store the other day. I don’t want to give away the store, so I will call it Bull’s Eye. I found a great shirt, and there was one left in my size (XL). I noticed the tag said “Athletic Fit,” and this confused me, so I asked an employee what it meant. She said it means it fits smaller.

WTF! Women’s clothes come in weird styles, not men’s! I realized what it is: It’s the Frat Boying of America, and frankly, it makes me sick. Why should I have to have low self-esteem from wearing 2XL shirts, so some scrawny loser can tell chicks he wears a large? You aren’t big, you don’t have muscles, and you wear a medium. If you want to wear a large, go to the gym or the buffet like the rest of us.

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