Steven Seagal

Once upon a time, Steven Seagal was a huge box office draw. As a martial arts/action hero, he was one of the highest-paid actors in Hollywood. His movies, like Hard to Kill and Under Siege, earned over $1 billion in ticket and DVD sales during the 1990s. Lately, though, Seagal’s stardom has significantly faded, to the point that his films are almost exclusively of the straight-to-video ilk.
Many people tend to blame things like Seagal’s significant weight gain, crappy movies like On Deadly Ground, or the actor’s tapioca-pudding-like personality. The real impetus behind the decline of Seagal’s career, however, can be simply represented in three letters: FBI.
In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, the Michigan native said that an FBI investigation several years ago is the real reason why he hasn’t been getting any top-notch gigs, and he wants an official apology from the feds for ruining his career.
“False FBI accusations fueled thousands of articles saying that I terrorize journalists and associate with the Mafia,” Seagal said. “These kinds of inflammatory allegations scare studio heads and independent producers – and kill careers.”

We couldn’t agree more. Everyone knows that, in order to stay on the A-list in Tinseltown, an actor needs to be a virtual Eagle Scout. Even a rumor of a minor run-in with the law can cause a soaring career to come crashing down. Just look at Charlie Sheen and Sean Penn: They’ve been living like paupers since their legal problems first arose.

The FBI probe looked into whether Seagal had hired Hollywood private investigator Anthony Pellicano, who’s currently in federal prison, awaiting trial on several unrelated charges, to intimidate two reporters out of writing negative articles about Seagal and his former producer, Julian Nasso. The feds eventually cleared Seagal in 2004, but by then, the damage had already been done.

Now, Kelly LeBrock’s ex believes that a mea culpa from the FBI would help his public image as well as get him back into good standing with Hollywood’s movers and shakers. Not only do we at Red Shtick agree that the FBI should publicly clear Seagal’s good name after needlessly dragging it through the mud, but we also admire the actor’s Buddhist-monkish restraint in not demanding more restitution than a simple apology.

If he wasn’t such a peaceful guy, who happens to be the confirmed reincarnation of a Tibetan lama, Seagal would undoubtedly roll up on the folks in Quantico, Virginia and employ his immeasurable martial arts skills and kick everyone’s ass there until he got the lead in the next James Cameron flick. Either that or he might take a page out of the playbook from Operation Just Cause in Panama, continuously blasting his blues album Mojo Priest over a PA system outside of FBI headquarters until they launch an investigation into why he’s never been nominated for an Oscar.

The least the FBI could do is see to it that Seagal is declared to be of Asian descent. After all, he drinks Asian tea, his home is filled with Japanese art, and he’s had a perpetual squint since 1971.