Space Dopes

Join us as we take a journey deep into space to a distant galaxy, far, far away. There, as a result of evolutionary forces that have been hard at work for billions of years, there exists a civilization so far advanced that its inhabitants are born with wireless internet access which goes directly to their brains. (To read their email, they close their eyes and read a projection displayed on the inside of their eyelids.) A world where all known diseases have been virtually eliminated and the only people who get flu shots are people who WANT to get the flu…The meeting of the Security Council of the United Planets of the Maalox® Galaxy was called to order by its chairman, Nardil®, from the planet Xanax®. Nardil had been elected chairman of the Security Council because of his calm demeanor, even in times of crisis. But today, the Council’s leader was suffering from a debilitating attack of sinusitis. Allergies were almost unheard of on Xanax, Nardil’s home planet. There was nothing to be allergic to, just dirt and rocks. But whenever the Council met on Bromfed®, as they were today, Bromfed’s semi-tropical climate played havoc on Nardil’s allergies.Nardil’s constant sniffling was driving Allegra® and all the other Council members up the wall. “Why doesn’t that snively Xanaxian take something for his runny nose?” thought Allegra. “This happens every time we meet here.”

The other four delegates took their seats: Zyrtec®, from the planet Fosamax®; Allegra, the only woman delegate, from the planet Bromfed; Vasomax™, from the planet Viagra®; and Zoloft®, from the planet Prozac®. Prozac, with its two prominent icecaps, was easily recognizable in a galaxy such as Maalox, where most planets only had one. Consequently, it was often referred to as “the bipolar planet.”

The Council first took up some preliminary business. Throughout Maalox, residents had been complaining of receiving mysterious emails emitting from somewhere in the Milky Way Galaxy to “Buy Cheap Viagra” and advertising “Great Buys on Xanax and Prozac.”

“This must be some sort of real-estate scam,” Zyrtec surmised.

“I wonder if this is connected with the emails I’ve been receiving lately, advertising methods to enlarge my penis,” wondered Vasomax.

The Council agreed to appoint a committee to investigate the matter further.

The real purpose of the meeting was next on the agenda. A trade dispute between the planets was threatening to escalate into interplanetary war if it was not soon resolved. The planet Xanax was producing exports at a much lower price than any other planet because of the cheap cost of labor on Xanax. The Xanaxians, a happy and content people, were willing to work for next to nothing, which made it impossible for the other planets to compete with them in the interplanetary market.

This especially had the planet Prozac in an uproar, and Prozac’s ambassador, Zoloft, was never one to shy away from armed conflict. Zoloft, a retired commander in Prozac’s space fleet, looked back fondly on his war days, when Prozac was actively engaged in “planet building” throughout the galaxy. Oh, those evenings spent in the War Room, watching highlights of the day’s battles over cocktails! The “smart bombs” that hit their targets with such precision and captured all of the death and destruction on DVD! Such crisp detail! You could clearly see the body parts flying through the air! Those were exciting times. But ever since that awful debacle with the Planet Lasik, liberals had gained control of Prozac and put an end to Prozac’s warlike ways.

Lasik – a dark era in Prozac’s history. The “Lasik Pacification Program” had started out successfully, like all of the others – with Prozac leveling Lasik with all of its modern weaponry until Lasik was thoroughly pacified.

But something went horribly wrong during the rebuilding stage. The Prozacans, who were a one-eyed people, convinced all of the inhabitants of Lasik, who were a two-eyed people, to convert to a one-eye system. “You will eventually see that one larger eye, capable of revolving around your head, is much more efficient than the two eyes you are accustomed to. Anyway, having two eyes will eventually make you all cross-eyed.”

Eventually, through surgery and genetic engineering, all of the Lasikans were converted to the one-eyed system. But even with all of the careful planning that went into operations of this kind, the Prozacans had failed to correctly evaluate the effect of putting one larger, more powerful eye into a Lasikan body. The Lasikans soon realized that their eyes were so powerful, they were capable of burning laser holes through anything they stared at intently. Armed with this powerful vision, the Lasikan people quickly chased the invaders from Prozac off their planet. Prozac was humiliated! Lasik had been a constant source of embarrassment for Prozac ever since.

The debate began. Zoloft spoke first: “The Xanaxians, on the one hand, pretend to be a peaceful, fun-loving people,” Zoloft bellowed. “But their actions threaten to completely disrupt the economic balance of our galaxy and lead us all into another interplanetary war.”

“Why doesn’t that testosterone-crazed Prozacan take a chill pill?” thought Vasomax, the delegate from the planet Viagra. He tried his best to concentrate on the discussion, but Viagrans were lovers, not fighters, and he found this talk of war tedious. He hoped this matter would be resolved quickly, so he would have time to talk to the strikingly beautiful delegate from Bromfed before his spaceship departed for Viagra. From the moment the meeting had been called to order, all of Vasomax’s attention had been focused on the lovely Allegra. How could he not be infatuated with her? She had a beautiful figure, with three of the most beautiful breasts he had ever seen.

The lovely Allegra reciprocated VasomaxÂ’s attention with a brief smile. How could she not be attracted to Vasomax? His tall, rock-hard body was like nothing she had ever seen on Bromfed. But of course, being from another planet, it would be strictly taboo for her to become involved with Vasomax, but that made him that much more alluring.

“Would the delegate from Viagra like to state his planet’s position on this issue?” Nardil questioned.

Vasomax awoke from his daydream and jumped to attention to address the Council. “My fellow delegates, we can all agree that our galaxy needs to improve its defenses against our common enemies from Planet Beta and Planet Histamine. Why not allow the Xanaxians to produce the components we all need, at a price lower than we can produce them ourselves, for the Beta-Blocker force shields and Anti-Histamine missile systems that the rest of our planets manufacture? That way, our whole galaxy will benefit. The defense manufacturers on all our planets will make a profit, and the Maalox Galaxy will be a safer place to live.”

“That horny Viagran may just have something there,” declared Zoloft.

Nardil, reaching for another Kleenex®, called the matter for a vote. “All those in favor of Vasomax’s proposition, signify yes by raising both of your antennae.”

Ten antennae went up! It was unanimous. Interplanetary war had been averted. As a result of the CouncilÂ’s actions that day, the galaxy settled into a long era of peace and prosperity.

All of the delegates returned to their home planets. Nardil returned to Xanax, and his sinuses cleared up. Zoloft returned to Prozac, but soon grew bored with the continuous peace and prosperity, so he left the Maalox Galaxy to go into private enterprise in a different side of the war business – as CEO of the war-profiteering company, Wars “R” Us, in the Dwarf Testicles Galaxy.

Antonio is a lifelong resident of Baton Rouge who is a living example of what can happen when you spend your whole life that close to chemical plants.