Residents Say North B.R. Already Has Coke Plant

The Great Big Story
Sampson Julius “Lil’ Bit” Beckett begs to differ with the corporate powers that be; there’s lots of coke on the north end of the city. “I ain’t trying to start no trouble, but they already got a lot of coke up there. They make it in a old rent house by the airport,” Beckett reported to friends in May.
Other residents agreed, saying vast supplies of coke in that area are produced almost as fast as it can be consumed.“I mean they got a lot of it,” said Shirley Smith-Jackson, a food-service worker in the Choctaw Drive area.Jean Lewis, a south Louisiana woman displaced by Hurricane Katrina, added that coke prices in North Baton Rouge are very competitive with similar-size Southern cities. “My cousin lives in Houston, and she says coke costs twice as much over there,” Lewis said.
Beckett said that, in addition to coke, the North Baton Rouge facility turns out a number of other products, including “ludes,” “brillo,” and “rock.”


LSU Athletics Department Reaches Agreement with PETA

In a compromise with animal rights activists, LSU officials said that, once they acquire a new, live, Bengal tiger mascot, the animal will be allowed to roam Baton Rouge freely. Chancellor Sean OÂ’Keefe said the agreement placated concerns raised by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which argued a tiger held in captivity could not follow its natural predatory instincts.

The “downside,” O’Keefe said, is that Baton Rouge residents must be on the lookout constantly. “The tiger is one of nature’s most efficient hunter-killers, and there will be an increased danger for walkers and joggers, as well as residents who leave their cars or homes, even for a few seconds,” O’Keefe said. “But in a city of 300,000, and with our tendency to produce serial killers, the chance of a tiger attack is comparatively very low.”

Southeastern Goes High-Tech

Vowing it now has “the ability to leap to the forefront of higher education,” Southeastern Louisiana University received a high-tech computer in May from an anonymous donor. The Radio Shack TRS-80 is said to be capable of thousands of mathematical calculations each second, and the entire unit reportedly fits on top of a standard office desk.

Alice Jacobs, a school spokeswoman, said the computer contains a so-called “disk drive” that uses interchangeable, lightweight, magnetic disks for data storage. Jacobs also said that, while the device is capable of using standard punch cards, it can run programs written in a variety of computer languages with exotic names like “Fortran,” “COBOL,” and “Pascal.”

Ricky Fredericks, a Southeastern senior in physics, said he and fellow students would begin immediately using the TRS-80 to computerize the school cafeteriaÂ’s recipes.

LA GOP Gives Breaux “The Cob”

The Louisiana Republicans gave the middle finger to John Breaux in April after the former U.S. senator announced he would not run for governor, sources said. The gesture came during the 10pm news, when BreauxÂ’s announcement was aired, several people close to the party told Red Shtick on condition of anonymity.

“You take that, John Breaux. That’s for you, baby,” Roger F. Villere, Jr., chairman of the state’s Republican Party, said while making the gesture toward his TV set.

Breaux reportedly was out of the country on a lobbying mission and could not be reached for comment.

Taco Bell’s Apparent Deception “Devastates” LSU Tiger Fan

Valerie Caligero, a Mandeville woman who describes herself as LSU’s No. 1 fan, was nearly reduced to tears in May after learning that Taco Bell restaurants apparently support other college sports teams. Caligero said that, while visiting family members in Nashville, Tennessee, she saw several Taco Bells with “Go Dores!” messages on their outdoor signs, a reference to Vanderbilt University’s commodore mascot.

“I’m just devastated,” Caligero told her friends after returning home. “Every Taco Bell around here supports the [LSU] Tigers. It was like losing your best friend.”

She angrily accused the fast-food chain of lying to customers in order to drive up sales. She also announced plans to file formal complaints with the company and the Federal Trade Commission.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

Channel 33 has been airing actual newscasts, not “practice runs.”

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

PetSmart sells gerbils for legitimate purposes.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Our recent exposé on Scientology stated incorrectly that members are required to use soap-on-a-rope.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Leftovers for the Brain

“If God speaks to Pat Robertson, what did He say to Jerry Falwell?”