Plan B from Outer Space

Once upon a time, March was the first month of the year, and it was dedicated to Mars, the god of war, signaling that the holidays were over and it was time to get up and go a’killing once again. Now it’s dedicated to St. Patrick, warning any future saints that if you do anything of note in Ireland, they’re gonna drink on your birthday.St. Pat’s is on a Friday this year, which means the majority of you won’t have to work the next day, which means you’ll probably overdo it again this year. Well, fear not! Your Uncle Knick is here to help you out. Aristophanes wrote, “Take the hair, it’s well written, of the dog by which you’re bitten. Work off one wine with his brother and one labour with another.” But such a common remedy as “the hair of the dog” is far too mundane for the sophisticated readers of Red Shtick Magazine. So, for all my special people out there, I’ve specially chosen guaranteed-to-work hangover remedies from around the world. Try them at your own peril.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The Irish are the ones to be trusted the most when it comes to hangover cures. They suggest “Ulster Fry,” a traditional breakfast consisting of potato and Irish soda breads, fried eggs, bacon, sausage, tomatoes, and mushrooms.

ARIES (March 21-April 19):    IÂ’ve found evidence of guys whose wives are lactating drinking the breast milk to stave off hangovers. Try the mall; there are tons of mothers there who might let you give it a swing.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): According to cultural anthropologists, certain American Indian men will go for a run until they start sweating, then lick the sweat from their bodies and spit it out to rid themselves of the poison. YummmÂ…

GEMINI (May 21-June 20):    Try eating burnt toast. I know an Aussie who swears by it.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Haitian voodoo priests suggest sticking 13 needles into the cork of the bottle responsible for your hangover. Good luck trying that with bottle caps.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In the Middle Ages, a commonly circulated cure involved eating bitter almonds and dried eel. Check Whole Foods for that one.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Puerto Ricans cut a lemon in half and rub the juice under the armpit of their drinking arm. Remember to use tight circles.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): 19th-century English chimney sweeps would pound a soot milkshake on the morning after. Most likely, it tastes so bad, you forget about your head.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Cowboys in the Wild West would start the day with a steaming hot cup of rabbit-pellet tea to cure a hangover. IÂ’m sure any pet store would happily let you have a handful of rabbit crap for a modest fee.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):    The Assyrian Paste is the cure of choice for South Africans. It involves a teaspoon of myrrh and a teaspoon of ground swallowÂ’s beak, eaten quickly and chased with a glass of water. I suggest you do it quickly while holding your nose.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Herdsman of Outer Mongolia drink tomato juice for a hangover. Oh yeah, they add a pickled sheepÂ’s eye to the glass first.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Chinese traditional herbalists swear by a kudzu tea called “Xing-Jiu-Ling.” That seriously translates into “Sober Up!”