October 1, 2004

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You're a Libra, arenÂ’t yaÂ’, darlin'? Well then, ACK LIKE ONE. Don't you know what Libras are famous for? Mind-blowing lap dances for tall men. So, go find yourself a tall man, and give him a lap dance.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Just because gay marriage has been banned doesn't mean you have to protest by wearing nothing but a tube sock and body paint. Unless you're a lesbian!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): OK, OK, OK, I understand what you use the shaving cream for. After all, it's pretty soft to the touch, but the duct tape and the 12D nails start to bother me. You are one sick freakÂ…we need to hang out more.


CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Sometimes in life, yaÂ’ gotta just go for the money shot. Ignore the formalities right now, and just be blunt. Perfectly blunt. Believe me, it saves trouble.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Ah, Aquarius, your fascination with water sports never ceases to amaze meÂ…and I'm not talking about water polo. Oh, ammonia tends to dry out the skin if left on overnight, so make sure to bring a towel and wipe off before passing out.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Pisces, Pisces, Pisces, I've heard of people who were proud of their sign beforeÂ…and I'm willing to bet we've all heard of what Richard Gere does behind closed doors with small rodentsÂ…but I've never heard of someone trying to combine the two. Now, please, put the fish tank down, and drop the cardboard tubeÂ…and no, "think of it as a fish enema," is NOT a convincing argument.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Think of life like merging onto a highway. What do you do when you get to the highway? You keep driving. You do NOT stop, and stay stopped, so that people behind you hit you, then roll out of your car holding your neck, even though the impact was at less than 5 mph, and the damage is superficial. Whew! Sorry, got a little wound up there. So yeah, you do that. Don't stop.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You are pregnant. Congrats!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Things been going downhill, and you don't know why? It seems like the world is throwing everything at you all at once? Trying to figure out why your karma is so bad? It's simple! You voted for Nat Bankston. Deal with it! I heard similar complaints from Blanco supporters.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Just because you voted for Kip Holden doesn't mean you get a ghetto pass. Don't forget to lock your doors, and watch yo' sorry white ass when you go to Scotlandville.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Rawr, you are an ANIMAL. Not only did you leave scratch and bite marks, but you even marked your territory (read: their shirt) when your boo was in the shower! I wonder how your partner's going to explain the "coffee stain"Â…especially with the traces of blood! Oh, that reminds me: drink lots of water, and see a doc about that urinary tract infection.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): So, VirgoÂ…yaÂ’ HAD to stop, didn't yaÂ’? What the heck did I JUST GET THROUGH telling Aries? HMM? So now you're stuck, at a complete stop, WAITING on cars as they pass you by, with people NEARLY HITTING YOU FROM BEHIND. Take your foot out of your rear end, place it on the accelerator, swallow your fear of moving faster than 2 mph, and MERGE. I promise, it'll do you some good.

Phil is a gentle giant and the Shtick's resident psychic adviser. Just think of him as Miss Cleo; only white, male, and NOT indicted for scamming. Share your soul with him at phil@redshtickmagazine.com.


This article was originally posted on October 01, 2004