November 2007 BACS

For our honorable mention entry this month, we had several candidates from which to choose. There was the West Virginia ambulance driver who was charged with DUI for transporting a patient while hopped-up on drugs. We also had a local candidate who was arrested twice in one night at two different DWI checkpoints in Tangipahoa Parish.


However, we couldnÂ’t pass up the story of a West Coast mother of two named Spears whoÂ’s accused of driving drunk with her kids in the car. Fear not, Louisianans: SheÂ’s not from Kentwood.

Paulette Lynn Spears was arrested on October 20 in Vancouver, Washington, after her 8-year-old son called 911 twice to report that his mom was “kind of delusional.” The frightened kid had to call a second time because his 33-year-old mother hung up the cell phone the first time. Perhaps she was more worried about her rollover minutes than rolling over her car.

It seems the kid decided he and his 5-year-old sister, who was also in the car, needed help after watching his mom swerve around on unfamiliar roads miles from the home where they had lived for about a month. During that time, at least four other motorists called authorities to report the erratic driver. Some said they saw the silver Nissan Altima hitting medians and crossing yellow pavement lines.

“I don’t know what’s going on with her. She had some drinks at a restaurant, and I think those are affecting her. I don’t think she knows what’s going on,” the boy told the operator.

It turns out that the restaurant where Spears admittedly “had some beers,” Benny’s Pizza Café, is only about three blocks from the Spears home. It doesn’t take an 8-year-old to figure out it takes less than an hour to drive three blocks.

In an attempt to locate the car, emergency dispatchers asked the boy for landmarks and the direction the car was traveling, but his mom’s Danica Patrick imitation presented some issues. “She is going too fast. I can’t read all these signs when she is going so fast.”

Then, while Spears reportedly jabbed at the boy with her hand in order to get him to end the call, dispatchers heard the boy say, “Will you hang up on them, Mom? Will you hang up on them? She is getting kind of mean.”

Oh, she got mean on him, alright. According to the police report, Spears went Mike Tyson on the kid and bit his hand when he wouldnÂ’t surrender the phone.

Eventually, Spears drove to the Fire District 6 station in Salmon Creek –­ more than 90 blocks from home – and told firefighters that she had a medical problem. Minutes later, a Clark County deputy arrived.

According to the police report, Spears was unsteady on her feet, had “red, watery eyes,” a “blank stare,” and slurred speech, and smelled of alcohol. She couldn’t even remember her cell phone number or her birthday. In her defense, though, she said she had taken a friend’s muscle relaxant. Maybe that’s why all those jabs to the kid’s solar plexus weren’t very effective.

After refusing a field sobriety test and a Breathalyzer test, she was arrested. Another deputy stayed with the two children until they were picked up by a friend. They have since been placed with an aunt.

Two days later, Spears pleaded not guilty to driving under the influence of intoxicants, fourth-degree assault, and two counts of reckless endangerment. Clark County District Judge Vernon Schreiber set bail at $10,000 and signed a no-contact order between Spears and her children, effective while the case is pending.

Four years earlier, Spears faced the same DUI and endangerment charges in Cowlitz County. After prosecutors dropped the endangerment charge, she pleaded guilty to drunken driving. Her blood alcohol in that incident was 0.199 percent, more than double the legal limit of 0.08. She was sentenced to three days in jail with another 362 days suspended and two yearsÂ’ probation.

For her most recent boozinÂ’ and cruisinÂ’ odyssey, Spears faces up to one year in jail per charge, for a total of up to four years that she could be locked up, away from her beloved children. On the bright side, though, at least BritneyÂ’s not the only famously bad mother named Spears to have her kids taken from her.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocatereports from September 24 – October 21, 2007.

10. Miguel Anger H., 37, 1st-offense DWI, operating a vehicle without lawful presence, open-container violation, insurance required, failure to yield, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and license plate required.

Miguel is quite upset about coming all the way to the United States to participate in the BACS and not winning the Judge Don Johnson Trophy. In fact, he’s so pissed off, his middle name is “Anger.”


9. Eric Christopher D., 28, 2nd-offense DWI, drag racing on a public road, disobeying a red light, and expired inspection sticker.

In case you didnÂ’t know, there are different types of drag racing. ThereÂ’s the kind that Eric Christopher participated in, which involves motor vehicles, while in places like San Francisco, drag races occur when a bunch of men run down the street in skirts and high heels.


8. Anthony L., 31, 1st-offense DWI, failure to obey stop or yield sign, unauthorized entry into an inhabited dwelling, entering or remaining after forbidden, and simple assault.

Sometimes Anthony likes to pretend he’s the Kool-Aid®Man by unexpectedly busting into people’s homes while filled with copious amounts of a beverage. Friends say he prefers the old Kool-Aid Man rather than the new one, which means he shows up without pants.


7. Kyle Christopher E., 32, 1st-offense DWI, unnecessary noise, reckless operation of a vehicle, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, open container in public, aggravated battery of a police officer, and obstruction of justice.

The consummate Quiet Riot fan that he is, Kyle Christopher wanted to ensure that his arresting officer could truly “Feel the Noize.” The “Cum On” part occurred later in jail.


6. Jessica Ann T., 27, 1st-offense DWI, driving left of center, possession of cocaine, possession of Schedule IV drugs, improper lane usage, insurance required, and inspection sticker expired.

Just a “heads” up, guys: If you find yourself on a date with Jessica and she offers you “blow,” you might want her to clarify if she’s referring to the kind that involves nostrils or lips.


5. Damian Christopher O., 36, 3rd-offense DWI, expired license plate, inspection sticker, and insurance required.

After three entries in the BACS, it seems like Damian is “possessed” by the “spirit” of alcohol.


4. Damion Renard M., 29, 3rd-offense DWI and loud music.

What is it with people giving their kids demonic names? ItÂ’s no wonder these little devils have grown up to be hell on wheels.


3. Andrew Jackson B., 24, 3rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, expired driverÂ’s license, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

“I don’t need no driver’s license, officer. I’m on the twenty-dollar bill. That’s my driver’s license.”


2. Calvin A., 28, 3rd-offense DWI, driving left of center, driving with a suspended or revoked license, reckless operation of a vehicle, and possession of marijuana.

If youÂ’ve ever wondered how Calvin got an imagination so vivid that his stuffed tiger Hobbes seemed alive to him, now you know. Now all we need is a decal on the back of a Chevy showing him smoking a joint while pissing on a Ford logo.


1. Gerald J., 55, 4th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, disobeying a red light, and driverÂ’s license suspended or revoked.

Gerald was obviously inspired by the story of Mike Flynt, the 59-year-old grandfather who became the oldest college football player in the country last month. Apparently, he figured, if that old fart could crash into a bunch of 20-year-olds with nothing but pads and a helmet to protect him, he could still crash into other, bigger things with his car.


Congratulations, Gerald. YouÂ’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. WeÂ’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.

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