March 2006

Many people who have gone to college know about the connection between giving blood and drinking. ThatÂ’s because if you give blood, not only are you helping your community, but youÂ’re also able to get drunk on the cheap while your bodyÂ’s a pint low.
If you ever found yourself short on cash, but still wanted to go out and get smashed on Thursday night, you made a trip to the blood center. It made that fourth shot of tequila feel like your seventh or eighth.

Even better, instead of blood, you could give plasma. TheyÂ’d actually give you cash for that. The only drawback to that, though, was sometimes you had to spend a couple of hours lying next to a smelly homeless guy doing the same thing.

Now, thanks to 46-year-old Sharon Renea Dunlap, thereÂ’s a new connection between donating blood and drinking. Dunlap was stopped in Jacksonville, Florida after police saw the Florida-Georgia Blood Alliance bloodmobile Dunlap was driving run a red light. She was en route to a blood drive.

After failing a field sobriety test, Dunlap was charged with driving under the influence and running a red light. Later, she was suspended from her job.

Dunlap admitted to police that she quit drinking 14 hours earlier at about 3am, at which point she took some pain pills. Guess she didn’t have any Chaser® Plus available.

Dunlap must be a novice drinker. Every experienced drinker knows that you should wait until the next morning to take painkillers – not at the end of a long night of drinking. At that point, your body’s got enough chemicals to deal with; it doesn’t need anything else thrown in the mix. The best thing you can do before hitting the sack is drink water…lots of water. The solution to pollution is dilution.

If you still have problems the next morning, check out Knick Moore’s suggestions to 86 a hella hangover in this month’s “Horrorscopes.” Trust him. He knows what he’s talking about. He’s Irish. By the way, happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from January 23 – February 19, 2006.

10. Russell Ray T., Jr., 21, 1st-offense DWI, U-turn limitations, driverÂ’s license not in possession, littering, and possession of marijuana.

DonÂ’t you just hate it when your rolling papers fly out the window?

9. Travis S., 24, 3rd-offense DWI and driving over the median.

Travis came all the way from Eunice for a shot at the Judge Don Johnson Trophy! That explains why he crossed the median – he was just trying to catch that chicken to make some gumbo.

8. Raymond D., 24, 2nd-offense DWI, aggravated flight from an officer, hit and run, and possession of alcohol in vehicle.

Looks like Raymond was getting in the mood for St. PatrickÂ’s Day. While his arresting officer thought he was involved in a chase, Raymond just thought he was leading a parade.

7. Sherman P., 47, 4th-offense DWI, equipment violation, and open container in vehicle.

Way to make Momma proud! “Sherman, Sherman, Sherman!!!”

6. Ronald Leon S., 31, 3rd-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, reckless operation of a vehicle, and open container violation.

Ronald hails from Port Allen. Way to represent the West Side. Apparently, sugarcane isnÂ’t the only crop growing in West Baton Rouge.

5. Preston Dale M., 29, 3rd-offense DWI, failure to yield right of way, failure to signal, headlights required, and possession of marijuana.

Come on, man. Cut the dude a break. No one likes bright lights while stoned. Besides, he had his lights off and didnÂ’t signal because he was paranoid from the chronic and didnÂ’t want people to notice him.

4. Tyler Thomas P., 23, 4th-offense DWI, speeding, refusal of a chemical test, driverÂ’s license required, and possession of Schedule II drugs.

Chemistry is a difficult subject. Imagine taking a test on it while loaded.

3. George N., 53, 5th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, improper lane usage, flight from an officer, and failure to yield to an emergency vehicle.

You would think a five-time veteran at GeorgeÂ’s age would get the hell out of the way of an ambulance. After all, next time, it might be him in that sucker. Remember, paybackÂ’s a bitch, dude.

2. Tony Anthony M., 44, 5th-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, simple assault, and resisting an officer.

“Tony Anthony”? Very creative with the name, Mom and Dad. Perhaps his favorite 80s musical group was Tony! Toni! Toné!

1. Darryl C., 28, 5th-offense DWI, no U-turn, and driving with a suspended license.

A five-time veteran at only 28? ‘Nuff said.

Congratulations, Darryl. YouÂ’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. WeÂ’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.