LA Loses Another Company to Alabama

The Great Big StoryLouisiana lost out to Alabama in the economic development wars again last month after a rubber phallus-making company chose Tuscaloosa as the site for a new manufacturing plant.The Delta Dong factory will be built on the University of Alabama campus with GO Zone tax credits and money from the state’s hurricane recovery program. Plans call for the plant to begin turning out large, vibrating dildos in mid-2008.“Actually, we never really considered Louisiana for the plant,” Delta Dong CEO Ted Grundle said. “We were just f—king with those guys to get more money out of Alabama. Ironic, isn’t it?”

Welborn Closes Hair-Care Line

East Baton Rouge Parish Clerk of Court Doug Welborn announced in August he would close his short-lived line of hair-care products, acknowledging the name may have played a role in its demise.

The “Sensation Salad” line targeted men with custom-formulated gels, conditioners, shampoos, and activators. The perfectly coifed clerk of court said the brand name was chosen after lengthy marketing research but “failed to gain traction” among potential customers.

Welborn said the hair products could resurface. He said he would consider including a revamped version of them in a line of skin-care products he plans to launch early next year.

LaRouche Campaign Won’t Nix “LSU” Stickers

State organizers of 2008 presidential hopeful Lyndon LaRouche refused in August to stop handing out bumper stickers that incorporate LSUÂ’s school colors.

“The university is just looking for a reason to persecute us,” said Ned Flemming, chief of staff for LaRouche’s Louisiana campaign. “This is a typical government cover-up.”

Flemming confirmed the campaign had received a cease-and-desist letter from LSU. The purple-and-gold stickers read “LSU Tigers for Lyndon ‘08” and have been handed out for the past several months.

“This is an interesting case,” said Ed Randall, an attorney for the school’s licensing program. “I didn’t know LaRouche was still alive.”

Publisher Agrees to Paternity Test

Julio Melara, co-publisher of Baton Rouge Business Report, agreed in August to submit to paternity tests that would determine whether he is the father of Mr. Peepers.

Melara acknowledged physical similarities but insisted the Saturday Night Live character is not his child. MelaraÂ’s attorney, Lewis Unglesby, said his client agreed to the tests after Peepers threatened to file suit in 19th Judicial District Court.

“My client had nothing to do with that mistake of nature,” Unglesby said in a news conference. “The real question is, who is Mr. Peepers’ mother?”

“Bwaaahhh. Opppthhh,” Peepers responded.

Foti Files Murder Charges Against Lafitte

State Attorney General Charles Foti said in August his office had filed first-degree murder charges against Jean Lafitte, accusing the swashbuckling 19th-century New Orleans buccaneer of abandoning customers of his French Quarter bar in the chaotic days following Hurricane Katrina in 2005.

“Our investigation has concluded that Mr. Lafitte left behind his patrons, forcing them to serve their own drinks and leaving them to die,” Foti said.

The attorney general angrily brushed aside questions over whether the charges could be pursued, considering Lafitte died in 1826.

“His name is on the bar, isn’t it?” Foti responded to reporters. “He hasn’t denied these charges, has he?”

Slidell Judge Requires Tuesday Novenas

Slidell Judge Jim Lanz said last month the local courthouse will continue requiring everyone who enters the building to genuflect, wear a brown scapular, and attend a novena on Tuesdays.

Lanz, who also is under fire for refusing to remove a picture of Jesus Christ from the courthouse, said those who enter his own courtroom also would be required to pass through a confessional, say an Act of Contrition, and recite the Rosary.

“Those liberal bastards with the American Communist Liars Union can go f—k themselves if they want to file another lawsuit,” Lanz said. “This is about freedom of religion.”

Bourne Joins Tulane Coaching Staff

TulaneUniversity football has turned to super-spy Jason Bourne to beef up the teamÂ’s offensive output. Bourne, whose real name is David Webb, was hired in August as the Green WaveÂ’s new offensive coordinator.

Bourne’s hiring comes despite limited coaching experience. The trained assassin has been on the run for the past several years after defecting from a top-secret, CIA “black ops” program. But Head Coach Bob Toledo said Green Wave fans should look for more three- and four-receiver sets to keep defenses off-balance, as well as C4 explosions and deadly karate chops.

“Jason has been a real asset in honing our men’s hand-to-hand combat skills,” Toledo said. “He’s already taught them how to break down and reassemble a pistol while blindfolded.”

LSU StadiumÂ’s West Side to Remain Silent in 2007

The LSU Board of Supervisors narrowly defeated a measure in August that would have required fans on the west side of Tiger Stadium to actually cheer during football games. Under heavy lobbying from west-side fans who threatened to “raise cane,” members voted down the proposal 8-7.

“You have our goddamn money, what else do you want?” Charles Rogers, a Baton Rouge construction contractor and west side, season ticket holder, asked board members before the vote was cast.

Supporters of the proposal were able to claim a small victory, however. In a compromise brokered after the meeting, west-side fans agreed to compensate for their apathy during home games by buying 25% more Tiger Water.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

The evil terminator in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines was not based on U.S. Sen. Mary Landrieu.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

Raymond “Coach” Blanco prefers a setting of 72 on his Sleep Number® Bed, not 69.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

The sugar cubes at local hospitals are not tainted with LSD.