Get You Some

Valentine's Day is fast approaching. As those of you who regularly read my column may remember, I am not a fan of this holiday. I am, however, a fan of sex and, if you are a part of a couple on this romantic day, the almost-required-by-law mandate to get you some. Therefore, I feel it is my civic duty to inform you horny readers of songs/artists that are guaranteed to get you laid. Ladies, I am going to focus mainly on the male readers here, as it has been my experience that the only thing that most women have to do is say “hello” and we can get lucky. Men: take notes. 

First, I will start with the easy ones, the classics of seduction, if you will: Barry White and Marvin Gaye. It is common knowledge that the timbre of Barry White's voice causes a vibration that goes straight through your speakers and into the female clitoris. It is, in effect, an aural vibrator. EVERY man should have at least one Barry White album in his seduction arsenal, as it increases his chances of having sex by the power of ten. It's also far cheaper to buy one of his greatest hits albums than it is to purchase the Bullet or the Rabbit, and it looks much less gay in your apartment. Another plus: It won't embarrass you if left on the coffee table after an intimate evening, just in case your mother or great-aunt Sally should stop by for a surprise visit.

Marvin Gaye, on the other hand, is good for the shy, non-vocal lover, as he will do your dirty talking for you. Put on “Sexual Healing” and just look at your lady intently as Marvin croons, “Baby, I'm hot just like an oven. I need some lovin'. And baby, I can't hold it much longer. It's getting stronger and stronger. And when I get that feeling, I want sexual healing.” Time how quickly your pants are down around your ankles.The next group of gentlemen that I am going to recommend is more from the “old school.” I call them the Smooth Operators. These artists have too much class to actually mention the word sex; it's simply implied. They smoothly sing of love and can hypnotize a woman into believing that the man in the cubicle next to her, known amongst his coworkers by the nickname of “Death Blossom,” is actually her soul mate.The first of these miracle workers is Michael Bublé, a man whose feet are so large, they subconsciously turn a woman on as she dwells on the old wives’ tale about the correlation between the size of a man's feet and his penis. (Seriously, take a look at his feet; they look like clown shoes attached to a tuxedo.) Bublé, to my knowledge, doesn't sing any originals, but he is a master at remaking songs originally written during WWII. These songs, written to help a soldier seduce a girl in the hours before having to go off to war, helped cause the baby boom of the 1950s. Dwell on that for a moment and come to your own conclusion.

Second in this group, and a real renaissance performer, is singer/songwriter/actor Harry Connick, Jr. This Louisiana native can be tricky for the beginner Casanova, as he can get you laid, but not if you play the wrong album. Connick writes many of his own songs, and he can, on occasion, get a little jazzy and discordant on some of his albums. Play the album “We Are In Love,” and she'll be looking at you like you've been dipped in chocolate. Play the album “Star Turtle,” and you'll be going home alone and taking a cold shower, wondering where you went wrong. Again, this artist is not for amateurs.

For a sure bet, the third member in this club is your man. I'm talking about none other than the “Chairman of the Board,” Mr. Frank Sinatra. Old Blue Eyes was the first performer in history to have groupies as we know them today, and his voice during live performances caused women to swoon. Thanks to the miracles of modern technology and digital remastering, the magic of that voice has not been lost.

Like Barry White, you can't go wrong with any Sinatra album, but you get better (i.e., faster) results if you stick with one of the several love-song compilations that have been put together and released over the years. Sinatra will work for you on two levels:

Level One: He makes you look better by sheer association. By simply owning a Sinatra album, you will seem suave and cultured and, therefore, more desirable.

Level Two: Frank's voice has the same chemical content as chocolate and is a known aphrodisiac.

There are several other performers, such as Sade, Miles Davis, and Luther Vandross, whose works will have you doing the horizontal mambo. Rather than delving into their merits, I figured, since I'm getting you into the bed, I should also give you some selections to keep the mood going during the actual act itself.

Several songs and artists are good for this, but one of the best is Ravel's classical piece Boléro. Some say, if you can last through the entire piece and stay in pace with the music, you will achieve the ultimate orgasm. It is definitely a sultry piece that builds in intensity and excitement, and with no vocals, it will not interrupt the action going on between the sheets. Personally, however, I prefer something with a faster rhythm and find that Bob Marley can be surprisingly sensual. (It makes me think of moonlit beaches and pounding waves – emphasis on the pounding.)

So there you have it, guys: a musical blueprint to insure that you will get a piece on this most romantic of days. Oh! A little candlelight and some chocolates can't hurt any, either. Now, don't say I never did anything for you, and don't forget to wear a condom. :-)