In-foÂ’mercials

Ladies and gentlemen, guys and gals, boys and girls, dudes and dudettes, gays and lesbians, momma’s daddies, baby’s mommas, baby’s daddy’s cousins, and Lil’ Pete, I have come to realize that American advertisement companies have lost their damn mind.First of all, let’s get to the local commercials: Celeste’s soul food restaurant on Harry Drive. If you haven’t been there, you oughta be ashamed of yourself. If you’ve seen the commercial – the old one, with the two young, sorority, white chicks – please answer this question for me: What in the hell are Margaret and Becky doing on Harry Drive, eating at a soul restaurant? And don’t act like I’m wrong for saying it – two white girls at a soul restaurant. Do they know the actual calorie content in a soul restaurant for one plate, much less one spoonful?All I’m saying is, white girls, skinny white girls, Celeste’s soul food restaurant has the best of black culture to offer – and I’m emphasizing on the BLACK – with thick, dripping gravies and homemade desserts that would make the average white sorority girl pass out with one drop of crust in her mouth. Not to say that skinny sistas don’t go there – but they understand, ‘cause grandma has been making cobbler for about 32 years.

Now to the second Celeste’s commercial, with basketball players and football players and producers that white people have no earthly idea who they are, but every black person know, “That’s my cousin, them.” Once again, the advertising executives have dropped the ball. Please sprinkle in a white person everybody know, black and white, say, somebody like Governor Edwin Edwards. Oh, my bad; he’s in jail. My bad. What about, hmm, somebody like Ed Buggs. Now, Ed Buggs would fit perfectly in that commercial. Oh, I forgot; my bad – he’s on the black radio station now. Sorry about that, Ed; I respect your game, though.

Anyway, let’s not forget the stupidest commercial: Girls Gone Wild®. Once again, little white girls being exploited on TV. I just have a question: Where is Shanequa? Are they scared Shanequa’s gummy bears are a little bit gummier than the other gummy bears? ‘Cause you know sistas have racks, and I don’t mean Iraqs. I’m just sayin’, if we gonna keep it 100 (as a local DJ would say, “Keep it 100”) – in order to purchase Girls Gone Wild, I need to see some stretch marks on the gummy bears.

You know what, it really doesn’t just effect TV. It’s even the radio, the McGruff®-Bully radio spot that I hear every hour on the hour on every channel on the radio, including the hip-hop channel. Parents, read this and pay attention to this: If your kids are being bullied by a bully, their ass needs to be bullied.

Trust me, I was the shortest, the fattest, and the darkest kid in all my school years, and I have took many ass whoopings. But I never gave any money up, because I knew how to bite, and I was not going to let go until you got tired. ‘Cause my grandfather always told me, “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with takin’ an ass whoopin’, ‘cause everybody eventually gotta take an ass whoopin’.” And if I got an ass whoopin’ that day, it was my day.

So please, tell your kids, either take an ass whoopin’, or they gonna get an ass whoopin’ at home, but they gonna learn that a bully can be stopped. If you don’t wanna tell them, look me up on the website; I’ll break the news to ‘em.

Now for the dumbest commercial they make: the Hummer® commercial. The one with the white lady at the park with her little boy, and the other chick and her kid cuts in on them at the slide, so she goes out and buys a Hummer, ‘cause she sees a Hummer ad on the bus. First of all, if that woulda been a black woman, it woulda been a killing on the playground, because my momma and me woulda whooped that woman’s and her child’s ass for cuttin’ in front of us. Point blank. No ifs, ands, or buts. Murder was the case that that bitch gave us, and we gonna take it and run with it.

Second of all, in order for a girl to “get her girl on,” she has to go out and buy a $30,000 vehicle? You are the dumbest person in America, ‘cause you can go to Payless® Car Sales and save about fifteen and get a nice ride. Probably with no money down, ‘cause you know white folks got good credit. Have you seen the commercial: “Where’d those cars come from?” “Payless Car Sales!” I ain’t never bought one, ‘cause my credit is jacked up, but I sure know a lot of black folks and two white people who have gotten one.

So pay attention and listen: everything ainÂ’t everything. Just because you go out and buy a Hummer, you still get your ass whooped. Gas is high. For those white ladies who canÂ’t afford a Hummer, city transportation still runs a mean bus schedule for the meantime. You might not get dropped off where you want to go, but youÂ’ll get dropped off down the street from it. AinÂ’t nothing wrong with a little walking. You might drop a few LBs for the fat people. ItÂ’s cheaper than that Gut-B-Gone you see on TV late at night and probably more effective, too.

And last but not least, HeadOn™ comes on CNN all day, every day. “HeadOn – apply directly to the forehead,” repeated over and over and over again. For the life of God, anybody who uses a head-on cream for a headache needs all of their ass whooped, including the crack, too. You gonna rub a cream on your head so your headache can go away? This is why Americans are becoming dumber by the minute. Everybody knows BC® is the best headache powder in the world. So I guess you dummies are gonna begin sprinkling the BC on your head and rubbing it in so it can get faster to the headache.

I just want to know, since it’s giving a numbing sensation, why they don’t have a HeadOn for the little head? ‘Cause I have had many headaches down there, too, and the only ointment that ever helped me was Maintain®. “HeadOn – apply directly to the foreskin” – just don’t put too much on there. “If penis is numb for more than two hours, please see a doctor.”

And by the way, I’m sick and tired of Proactiv®, with all these people with these bumps on their face, and you got Puffy Combs with one bump on his face, and Jessica Simpson. By the way, Jessica – I know you’re probably not reading this, but the next time you make a remake of a song, you have no ass to be shakin’, so please stop. You’re making the white girls at the club look bad. At least get some lessons, because you’re movin’ your ass too fast. SLOWLY shake it, like a saltshaker – like Ying Yang.