The Counseling Curmudgeon

There are many signs of aging: wrinkles, memory loss, and the fear of new technology. Another sign involves offering unsolicited advice. Well, put some fresh tennis balls on my walker, and donÂ’t stand in front of the TV while I watch my Matlock, because IÂ’m about to dish out sage wisdom to some folks out there, whether they want it or not.
My first morsel of counsel goes to R.L. White, president of the Atlanta chapter of the NAACP. Mr. White, please continue to marginalize Michael Vick’s actions by comparing the torture and murder of dogs to hunting, and then having the nerve to ask that “the NFL, Falcons and the sponsors not…permanently ban Mr. Vick from his ability to bring hours of enjoyment to fans all over this country.” Eventually, NAACP will soon stand for the “National Association for the Advancement of Cruelty to Pit Bulls.”

Secondly, I think Representative Bobby Jindal and his gubernatorial campaign strategists could use a friendly tip from yours truly. I’m sure a lot of your backers are glad to see you’re fighting back with some negative ads of your own, something you didn’t do four years ago. Many believe the decision to “campaign and let campaign” contributed to your ultimate defeat.

Unfortunately, IÂ’ve seen your attack ads, and IÂ’ve got one question: clowns? Is that the best you could come up with? There are so many things wrong with that tactic.

First, do you have any idea how many Americans have an irrational fear of clowns? IÂ’m not sure, but I think that might have been a question on Drew CareyÂ’s new show Power of 10. Hell, even SeinfeldÂ’s Kramer had a clown phobia. ThereÂ’s no telling how many viewers changed the channel immediately after catching a glimpse of big shoes and red noses in your terrifyingly lame ad.

Furthermore, as a guy who’s been accused of saying mean things about other people, all I can say is, if you’re going to go negative, then go negative. Don’t half-step it. Don’t be afraid of being called an a–hole. Besides, why worry about pissing off your opponents? It’s not like you’ll actually face them in the next forum, anyway.

Then there are the folks trying to keep Jindal from his coronation. You guys should keep bringing up the issue of religion and what Bobby wrote about Protestants years ago. Everybody knows the Democratic Party is the protector of religious freedom.

Now, a word to expecting parents with presidential last names. Just because you name your child after a U.S. president, it does not guarantee that he (or she?) will grow up to be a model citizen. In fact, itÂ’s safe to say thereÂ’s probably a kid out there, contemplating joining a gang and dropping out of school, whose folks named him William Jefferson Blythe Clinton, and about the only thing heÂ’s got in common with the 42nd president is an occasional BJ from a chubby white chick.

Of course, I must proffer a recommendation to my fellow Red Stick drivers. If you wish to make a left turn and thereÂ’s a left-turn lane available, go ahead and use it. That way, the rest of us can continue on our merry way while you wait for a break in oncoming traffic. I know youÂ’re hesitant to utilize that lane, but itÂ’s OK. I helped pay for it with my taxes, so I give you permission to take full advantage of it.

Also, I know that it’s healthy to sometimes question our governmental leaders, but if they’ve posted signs that say things like “Right Lane Ends” or “Exit Lane Only,” please do us all a favor and simply take their word for it. Do it for your own good, because the next time you try to cut in front of me because your lane suddenly and unexpectedly disappeared, I might run you off into the ditch. Either pay attention or pray that I’ve had sufficient coffee.

Lastly, my final words of advice are for Senator Larry Craig of Idaho. First of all, if you ask me, you should tell all those other senators and congressmen that pressured you into resigning to suck your bigÂ…wait, thatÂ’s how you got into trouble in the first place.

Anyway, just because you’re resigning from office because of that whole “bathroom sting” thing, it doesn’t mean that you can’t still be a public servant. There are plenty of other ways you can help your fellow Idahoans.

For instance, you could record public service announcements teaching proper men’s room etiquette. There’s no telling how many other guys out there with a similarly “wide stance” could learn from your experience. Who better to instruct them about the hazards of encroaching into the neighboring stall, especially if it’s occupied by an undercover cop? You could also teach people that the only thing a man should ever request in a public restroom is a courtesy flush.

If the PSA deal never materializes, you could always promote the Idaho potato industry by asking, “Would you like fries with that?”