Book ‘em, Knicko

September is, for all intents and purposes, a boring month. Sure, there's a free Monday off, but what else? Baby Safety Month?! Ramadan begins, Rosh Hashanah happens. Come on, September, get with the program! Your buddies, August and October, are all over it.
The one thing September has going for it is Banned Books Week. I've gotta appreciate any holiday that celebrates writing that gets on the nerves of the ignorant. So, to celebrate, I'm assigning each of you homework. Every sign gets one. Start reading, secure in the knowledge that some uppity old guy in Congress is pounding his wrinkled fists in frustration at you reading a book he doesn't agree with.

VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Forever – The most ridiculous thing about this book being on this list is that it was written by Judy Blume. Yes, THAT Judy Blume.

LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): the entire Harry Potter series – Witches!!! It's going to turn our children into witches!!! Oh, wait; they're reading.

SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Daddy's Roommate – Why does there need to be a kid's book that tastefully helps a child understand that some kids have same-sex parents? Gay people can't have children.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Bridge to Terabithia – Go pick this up quick. Start reading it. Have you started yet? She dies.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn – Mark Twain uses the N-word more than Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent, and Strom Thurmond put together in this one.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The New Joy of Gay Sex – Sorry, Aquarius, but somebody has to read this one. And yes, it will mean you are now gay.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Final Exit – I actually found a used copy of this suicide how-to book at Goodwill. I guess they didn't need it anymore.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): And Tango Makes Three – This one is kinda like March of the Penguins, except two of the penguins are gay and raising a baby together.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Gossip Girls – This series is about girls, so how could critics be surprised that it contains homosexuality, sexual content, drugs, and offensive language?

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Of Mice and Men – This heartwarming tale of two Depression-era drifters also contains the summary execution of someone with mental disabilities, making it one of George W's favorite bedtime stories.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings – Wanna read about a young black girl dealing with racial oppression and being raped by an uncle? Sure you do.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The Chocolate War – Universally despised by principals and parents alike – if you’re in high school and haven't read this yet, pick it up.