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Cellulosic Ethanol: TomorrowÂ’s Fuel for Drinking and Driving

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Everybody loves alcohol. It has helped us start and win wars, itÂ’s why we changed the constitution twice, and it just makes sense. It is the social lubricant that keeps the cynically self-righteous, moral fabric of our society from chafing against the swollen genitals of our collective guilt and denial. Alcohol is natural, legal, and moral, and you can drink it off of parts of sorority chicks.The alcohol we know and love is composed mainly of ethanol, which, despite sharing a number of chemical similarities with deathanol, is widely accepted as pretty good stuff.

Thanks for Celebrities and Drugs

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Ah, celebrities and drug abuse: it doesnÂ’t get any better than that. The best drugs, the best clubs, the best lifestyle, and the worst media exposure.

Conservatruth Is Stranger than Fiction

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There are some universal truths that, once learned, become an undying light in your heart that you cannot contain. This light of absolute truth has found me. I am a lying, hypocritical, tyrant of words, yet even I cannot spin the truth I've found into the freedom-hating, satirical terrorism that I so love to write.Conservapedia is a bastion of truth and open understanding. Pointing your web browser towards www.conservapedia.com takes you one click closer to the truth, and one click farther away from forbidden knowledge.

Thanks Again

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Last November, I dedicated this column to things for which I gave thanks. Since no one told me that it sucked, I figured I’d do it again this year. Who knows, it might be the beginning of a tradition that’s just slightly less entertaining than the old Perry Como Christmas specials.First of all, I’m thankful that Louisiana voters were able to look beyond skin color and elect Bobby Jindal (aka “The Great Brown Hope”).

Ulysses “Bones” Addison and Lorri Burgess

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We always had a sneaking suspicion that the phrase “will of the people” meant absolutely nothing to some members of the East Baton Rouge Parish Metro Council. Now, thanks to their actions following the overwhelming approval of a parish-wide directive to legalize alcohol sales on Sundays, we know for certain that at least two of them don’t give a damn what the people want.

Presidential Pets: Where Do They Stand on the Issues?

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Last month, George Bush’s approval rating dropped to 31%. It would have dropped even lower had President Bush’s Scottish terrier, Barney, not participated in the latest telephone poll:

ELECTION SHOCKER: Saban Wins in Primary for Biggest A–hole

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BATON ROUGE – Nick Saban garnered 50.2% of the vote in October 20 balloting, defeating his three opponents and avoiding a runoff for the distinction as Louisiana’s biggest a–hole.
Official statewide returns show SabanÂ’s campaign benefited from a last-minute surge and edged New Orleans Congressman Bill Jefferson by less than 1,000 votes to claim victory in the primary election. David Duke and Derrick Todd Lee were a distant third and fourth, respectively.
Meanwhile, Louisiana Democrats said they plan to launch a legal challenge to the results.

The Dirty Laundry of Your Made-Up Friend Revealed!

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J.K. Rowling shocked the world last month with the revelation that Dumbledore from the Harry Potter series was gay.  Gay?!  Not Dumbledore, the wise father figure, complete with flowing robes and long white hair.  Not the greatest wizard in a completely fictional world.  Anyone but him!!

Singledom Recovery

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Breaking up is hard to do. It’s painful, sometimes bitter, and sometimes bittersweet. Failed love turns into angry text messages at 3am from outside Cadillac Cafe. It morphs into you sitting alone in the dark, recalling every little detail about your ex while blubbering into a box of tissues. But no matter how it ends, it is how you recover that seems to matter the most.

Mutts & Moms

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True animal lovers (not the kind to which Judge Darrell White was referring when speaking in opposition to the One Baton Rouge resolution) understand that often the bonds between people and their pets can become stronger than those with other human beings. If you need proof, just consider how many New Orleanians refused to evacuate during Katrina because they couldnÂ’t bring their four-legged family members with them.

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