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Spooky Time Is Back Again!

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Well, Tim Burton's epic stop-motion classic is back! The Nightmare Before Christmas is hitting theaters.  Again!  But this time it's in 3-D! Wait, it was in 3-D the last time it came to the movies, last year.  Okay, this time it's exactly the same as it was last year! How exciting!Seriously, along with movies like Silent Night, Deadly Night and Black Christmas, it looks like the Halloween spirit is really driving to take over the Big Day!  Not that it'll ever happen, but if it ever happens, I think I see the way it'll play out.

I Did It All for the Wookie

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December, Le Decembre, Diciembre, Dezember, Juu-ni Getsu. Yes, yes, that magical month is upon us. In many parts of the Northern Hemisphere, it means snowball fights, snow angels, tobogganing, and school cancellations due to inclement weather. Here, it pretty much means the rain gets a little colder. But it is also that magical time of year when the boob tube bestows upon us the magic of the Christmas TV special. Don't it feel good to be an American?

The Evening Grind

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Hi there, boys and girls! Today, I’d like to talk about a little thing called manners, particularly regarding one’s behavior in public places. I’d like to know when it became acceptable for a young man to come up behind a young lady (a complete stranger, mind you) and proceed to grind his crotch upon her buttock while dancing in a nightclub.I’m not talking about when a guy and a girl are eyeing each other all night suggestively, and the guy takes a chance by casually making his way across the room and gliding up behind her in time to the music.

Flakes, Flautas, and More Flakes

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The Winter Olympics are awful. The reason they happen only once every four years is so that people forget how boring figure skating truly is. What the hell is curling, anyway? It appears to be a team shuffleboard sport with some sort of housekeeping fetish. WomenÂ’s hockey? Really? 

Thankfully!

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I am so happy that Terrell Owens did not attempt to commit suicide. Not that I care about him as a person or a football player, because I am sicker of seeing him on TV than I am of seeing myself naked. For those of you that have seen me naked, you already know how horrendous that can be. For those that haven’t, picture…never mind; you don’t want that picture.

November 2007 BACS

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For our honorable mention entry this month, we had several candidates from which to choose. There was the West Virginia ambulance driver who was charged with DUI for transporting a patient while hopped-up on drugs. We also had a local candidate who was arrested twice in one night at two different DWI checkpoints in Tangipahoa Parish.


 

Cellulosic Ethanol: TomorrowÂ’s Fuel for Drinking and Driving

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Everybody loves alcohol. It has helped us start and win wars, itÂ’s why we changed the constitution twice, and it just makes sense. It is the social lubricant that keeps the cynically self-righteous, moral fabric of our society from chafing against the swollen genitals of our collective guilt and denial. Alcohol is natural, legal, and moral, and you can drink it off of parts of sorority chicks.The alcohol we know and love is composed mainly of ethanol, which, despite sharing a number of chemical similarities with deathanol, is widely accepted as pretty good stuff.

Thanks for Celebrities and Drugs

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Ah, celebrities and drug abuse: it doesnÂ’t get any better than that. The best drugs, the best clubs, the best lifestyle, and the worst media exposure.

Conservatruth Is Stranger than Fiction

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There are some universal truths that, once learned, become an undying light in your heart that you cannot contain. This light of absolute truth has found me. I am a lying, hypocritical, tyrant of words, yet even I cannot spin the truth I've found into the freedom-hating, satirical terrorism that I so love to write.Conservapedia is a bastion of truth and open understanding. Pointing your web browser towards www.conservapedia.com takes you one click closer to the truth, and one click farther away from forbidden knowledge.

Thanks Again

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Last November, I dedicated this column to things for which I gave thanks. Since no one told me that it sucked, I figured I’d do it again this year. Who knows, it might be the beginning of a tradition that’s just slightly less entertaining than the old Perry Como Christmas specials.First of all, I’m thankful that Louisiana voters were able to look beyond skin color and elect Bobby Jindal (aka “The Great Brown Hope”).

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