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They Should Make a Spray for That

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It seems the media has been really focusing on the weather for the past few weeks. Not only the weather hitting and slamming into the gulf, but also the weather from around the world. I have to ask the media this: WHO CARES? Of course there are tornados and tidal waves in Japan; big deal! We nuked them 70 years ago and gave them radioactive rain. The Black Sea is flooding; whoop dee doo! We have a campaign trail to follow. Hurricane Ivan is coming into the gulf; who gives aÂ… wait, thatÂ’s going to hit AmericaÂ… Oh please, oh please, oh please, letÂ’s have a five-day weekend!

October 1, 2004

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You're a Libra, arenÂ’t yaÂ’, darlin'? Well then, ACK LIKE ONE. Don't you know what Libras are famous for? Mind-blowing lap dances for tall men. So, go find yourself a tall man, and give him a lap dance.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Just because gay marriage has been banned doesn't mean you have to protest by wearing nothing but a tube sock and body paint. Unless you're a lesbian!

ASK MR. GRAMMAR

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Grammar is very important.

HuntinÂ’ Safety Tips

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Folks, hunting season is upon us again. For all you hunters out there, we wish you good luck this year, and we would like to remind yÂ’all to be safe out there. Over the years, weÂ’ve had our own close calls hunting, so we decided to share some of our safety tips with yÂ’all.

•    Always wear your hunterÂ’s orange vest. Never take it off and place it on the deer you just shot to remember where it is, while you go get your four-wheeler to haul it back to camp. People will shoot at you.

 

New Reality Series Follows the Antics of Celebrity Stalkers

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You know them, you love them, and some people love them more, way more. Imagine following your favorite celebrities around all day. Around the clock. Even after they go to sleep. Sending them flowers, chocolates, and animal parts. You won’t have to imagine that much longer as Fox (isn’t it always Fox?) will be putting on “Walking in the Footsteps of the Famous.”

Jimmy Swaggart

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Recently, during one of his televised sermons, local televangelist Jimmy Swaggart made an eye-popping remark about gays fighting for the right of same-sex marriage.

Local Loser Causes Scene

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I was at a local eatery a week or so ago and watched an interesting scene. Gnat Bankston was on his cell phone when music started playing. Instead of going outside to continue his phone call (WHICH YOU SHOULD ALWAYS DO, BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT’S RUDE AND MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE AN ASS), he became irate and pulled out the classic line, “Do you know who I am?” to which a patron responded, “Yeah, you’re the guy who doesn’t stand a chance in the election.”

The Forgotten

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Ever since I saw Boogie Nights, I promised myself that I would see every movie in which Julianne Moore appears. A performance that slutty deserves nothing less. After watching her in The Forgotten, IÂ’ve started to question my loyalty. ItÂ’s one of those movies that make you wonder what and how much the cast smoked before signing on.

High Hopes and Low Aspirations

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James Brown
James Brown
James Brown is not related, affiliated, or representative to or of the estate of the Godfather of Soul. Any similarity is purely coincidental.
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The Red Shtick Podcast, Episode 53: “Hang On, Sunny. We’ll Get to Miss America.”

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Publisher Jeremy White hosts a somewhat hurried episode with contributors Sunny Weathers (who has an anniversary dinner to attend) and Knick Moore (who can’t wait to go home and finally play Grand Theft Auto V).

The boys start the show with a healthy discussion about the ghettoness of different Baton Rouge neighborhoods and how the ethnic landscape can drastically change within a block or two.

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