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March, 2005

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In case you haven’t noticed, folks, we have a nickname for the BACS – Louisiana’s X Games. Why do we call it that? Well, just like the X Games participants, drunk drivers take the official sport of our fair state (drinking) and take it to the “extreme.” (In case you didn’t know, that’s where the “X” comes from.) These fine athletes risk physical injury for the sake of accomplishing feats that many say can’t, or shouldn’t, be done. They ignore the naysayers and follow their dream of, one day, hoisting the Judge Don Johnson Trophy.

ass-u-me nothing

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Better Late Than NeverÂ…I Guess

Well, they finally did it. The East Baton Rouge Metro Council, after a seven-week stalemate and dozens of futile votes, finally elected a mayor pro tem on February 23. Four-term councilman Joe Greco got the nod, but only after the $1500 stipend for that position had been eliminated by the council just moments before the deciding votes were cast. That move allowed the pro tem candidates to vote for themselves by removing the much-discussed conflict-of-interest aspect of such a vote.

March, 2005

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PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Point of advice, dear Pisces: Even though a woman may appear to be pregnant and/or nursing children, she may just be "big boned." All is not lost, however, as you can get back on her good side with a dozen roses and three dozen donuts.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): It's one thing after another these days. I'd suggest getting really drunk, then calling all of your friends who weren't cool enough to get drunk with you. Make sure it's around three or four in the morning, and when they answer, do your best impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger ordering a pizza.

MARCH, 2005

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Avery Davidson: “I typically enjoy Red Shtick Magazine (upside-down, of course) in between my numerous rounds of NTN trivia. I love it so much, it's permeated my very life force. Whether IÂ’m reporting on a murder, a trial, or the latest cool techno-geek stuff, I always ask myself, ‘How would Red Shtick cover this?’” 

Opening PandoraÂ’s Box

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Pandora running in the night 
To find a secret place 
To hide the box no man can touch 
Or nuzzle with his face. 

 

Pandora crying in her bed, 
Her face awash in tears, 
Remembering the words they said 
And love lost through the years. 

Pandora sitting on the snow 
Upon a frozen tush, 
Feeling the amber afterglow 
Inside the burning bush. 

Thar She Blows

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Dear Joann,

I figured, since youÂ’re a girl, you might be able to give me a pointer or two with my situation. ThereÂ’s this girl I like a lot, but I canÂ’t seem to talk to her. ItÂ’s not that IÂ’m shy; I just canÂ’t seem to get a word in when IÂ’m around her. She just talks too much!

I know it sounds contradictory to say I canÂ’t talk to a girl because she talks too much, but thereÂ’s just no other way to explain it. ItÂ’s one of those deals where a person talks all the time without really saying anything.

Can You Hear What I Hear?

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ItÂ’s time to talk a little common sense.

Lately, there seems to be a problem with cars and trains. They are called vehicle/train accidents. These are not accidents. An accident is something that you do not intend to happen. Vehicle/train collisions are the result of sheer stupidity. This isnÂ’t the dawn of the railway. If you havenÂ’t mastered the art of driving without stopping on the train tracks, perhaps you should take the bus, possibly even the short bus.

Erin Go Faux

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Hey there, dudes and dudettes, major-league butt kicking is back in town! This time it is of the Irish variety. Faith and begorrah! This St. PattyÂ’s Day, green isnÂ’t the only color to be concerned about. On March 17th, the streets run red with riversÂ…of justice!! Matt Damon is: Patrick Saint. When you find the end of the rainbow, it wonÂ’t be that pot of gold youÂ’ve heard about. Patrick Saint will be waiting, with two sawed-off barrels of luck. Bad luck. Coming soon.

Right Channels Left - Axis of Evil 2.0

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Punxsutawney Bush saw his shadow, so it looks like four more years of war to be paid for by the American people. We believe this administration has a plan for determining who our next opponent will be. Apparently, he will put into a hat the names of all the countries that pose no actual threat to us and draw one out at random.

Need Salvation? Ask Me How!

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Baton Rouge’s combination of cars and Bible-beaters makes for a wide variety of religious bumper stickers. I can’t seem to go anywhere in this city without being stuck behind a ’77 El Camino featuring “Jesus Saves” plastered across its tailgate. As the years have passed, I’ve managed to amass a large list of messages from the faithful, the faithless, and the pissed off.

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