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Hey there, dudes and dudettes, major-league butt kicking is back in town! This time it is of the Irish variety. Faith and begorrah! This St. PattyÂ’s Day, green isnÂ’t the only color to be concerned about. On March 17th, the streets run red with riversÂ…of justice!! Matt Damon is: Patrick Saint. When you find the end of the rainbow, it wonÂ’t be that pot of gold youÂ’ve heard about. Patrick Saint will be waiting, with two sawed-off barrels of luck. Bad luck. Coming soon.

Punxsutawney Bush saw his shadow, so it looks like four more years of war to be paid for by the American people. We believe this administration has a plan for determining who our next opponent will be. Apparently, he will put into a hat the names of all the countries that pose no actual threat to us and draw one out at random.

Baton Rouge’s combination of cars and Bible-beaters makes for a wide variety of religious bumper stickers. I can’t seem to go anywhere in this city without being stuck behind a ’77 El Camino featuring “Jesus Saves” plastered across its tailgate. As the years have passed, I’ve managed to amass a large list of messages from the faithful, the faithless, and the pissed off.

If there's one thing the world needs more of, it's humor involving Viagra and/or sex.

A strange thing happened when Viagra was initially released, back in the "dark ages" when many old coots had to settle for holding hands or plotting ways to spend the grandkidsÂ’ inheritance. You see, when Viagra first came out, roughly half of the medical plans in America covered it. This might not seem like that big a deal, until you consider that only about a third were paying for birth control pills at the same time.

Well, look whoÂ’s in the runoff for EBR Mayor-President. ItÂ’s Bobby Simpson and Kip Holden. Does this sound familiar? It should if you were around here four years ago. Remember what happened back then? ThatÂ’s right: Bobby narrowly won. Some folks believe the outcome will be the same this November 2. IÂ’d like to take this opportunity to remind these folks that a great deal has changed in the last four years.

It seems the media has been really focusing on the weather for the past few weeks. Not only the weather hitting and slamming into the gulf, but also the weather from around the world. I have to ask the media this: WHO CARES? Of course there are tornados and tidal waves in Japan; big deal! We nuked them 70 years ago and gave them radioactive rain. The Black Sea is flooding; whoop dee doo! We have a campaign trail to follow. Hurricane Ivan is coming into the gulf; who gives aÂ… wait, thatÂ’s going to hit AmericaÂ… Oh please, oh please, oh please, letÂ’s have a five-day weekend!

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You're a Libra, arenÂ’t yaÂ’, darlin'? Well then, ACK LIKE ONE. Don't you know what Libras are famous for? Mind-blowing lap dances for tall men. So, go find yourself a tall man, and give him a lap dance.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Just because gay marriage has been banned doesn't mean you have to protest by wearing nothing but a tube sock and body paint. Unless you're a lesbian!

Grammar is very important.

Folks, hunting season is upon us again. For all you hunters out there, we wish you good luck this year, and we would like to remind yÂ’all to be safe out there. Over the years, weÂ’ve had our own close calls hunting, so we decided to share some of our safety tips with yÂ’all.

•    Always wear your hunterÂ’s orange vest. Never take it off and place it on the deer you just shot to remember where it is, while you go get your four-wheeler to haul it back to camp. People will shoot at you.

You know them, you love them, and some people love them more, way more. Imagine following your favorite celebrities around all day. Around the clock. Even after they go to sleep. Sending them flowers, chocolates, and animal parts. You won’t have to imagine that much longer as Fox (isn’t it always Fox?) will be putting on “Walking in the Footsteps of the Famous.”