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The Counseling Curmudgeon

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There are many signs of aging: wrinkles, memory loss, and the fear of new technology. Another sign involves offering unsolicited advice. Well, put some fresh tennis balls on my walker, and donÂ’t stand in front of the TV while I watch my Matlock, because IÂ’m about to dish out sage wisdom to some folks out there, whether they want it or not.

Steven Seagal

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Once upon a time, Steven Seagal was a huge box office draw. As a martial arts/action hero, he was one of the highest-paid actors in Hollywood. His movies, like Hard to Kill and Under Siege, earned over $1 billion in ticket and DVD sales during the 1990s. Lately, though, Seagal’s stardom has significantly faded, to the point that his films are almost exclusively of the straight-to-video ilk.

Book ‘em, Knicko

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September is, for all intents and purposes, a boring month. Sure, there's a free Monday off, but what else? Baby Safety Month?! Ramadan begins, Rosh Hashanah happens. Come on, September, get with the program! Your buddies, August and October, are all over it.

Smoked Pork

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Dear Legal Ease,I am a devout Muslim working at a local restaurant. Islamic law prohibits me from touching any pork products. It is "haram," or forbidden. My employer is threatening to terminate me, however, since I refuse to handle food that contains pork, such as bacon cheeseburgers and club sandwiches. If I am fired for observing Allah's commandment, may I sue for religious discrimination?Achmed B.Dear Achmed,

Antonio Takes a Look at the Human Brain

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Last month, we critiqued one of the greatest brains of all time, Albert Einstein, and chronicled the adventures of the doctor who performed Einstein’s autopsy and “commandeered” Einstein’s brain after his death. (Most people find it odd that a glass jar is home for Einstein’s brain, but is it any odder than Elvis being buried in the backyard next to his swimming pool?)
Here are a few other individuals whose achievements have earned them, like Einstein, “genius” status:

Night Shift

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As I was sitting down, getting ready to type this article, I realized that this particular piece would be published in September. Which means that, when you read this, my wedding will only be one month away. One month away, and I still have yet to pick a father-daughter song to dance to, and I have not selected the music that I will have the DJ play at my wedding.

 

LA Loses Another Company to Alabama

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The Great Big StoryLouisiana lost out to Alabama in the economic development wars again last month after a rubber phallus-making company chose Tuscaloosa as the site for a new manufacturing plant.The Delta Dong factory will be built on the University of Alabama campus with GO Zone tax credits and money from the state’s hurricane recovery program. Plans call for the plant to begin turning out large, vibrating dildos in mid-2008.“Actually, we never really considered Louisiana for the plant,” Delta Dong CEO Ted Grundle said.

Why I CanÂ’t Leave You People Alone for an Extended Amount of Time

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Look, people, itÂ’s really simple: I left for a few months, leaving civilization for a little while, all in the hands of you nice folks. I come back, and look at the mess yÂ’all made. I canÂ’t keep cleaning up after you people. ItÂ’s bad enough I had to teach the bears to actually crap in the woods, not on the trail, and had to educate mice not to nest in my hair, but rather, to gather me nuts and berries and ice-cold soft drinks. So I had to catch up with all of the events of the summer in one week in order to realize the size and scope of the screwups that you people have made.

The Ground Rules

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We all deserve blueberry pancakes. Wait, before your mind wanders to dirty places, I’m not talking about a weird new sexual practice. I’m talkin’ real, warm and gooey, hot-off-the-pan blueberry pancakes. Let me explain.My friend Becca has had some trouble dating recently. Well, she’s gotten some tasty action, but nothing substantial that would result in any sort of long-term relationship.

Tom Forman

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Since the advent of reality TV, executives responsible for this bane of the entertainment industry have gotten increasingly creative in formulating the premises of their brainchildren (ironic since reality shows require no creative writers). These pinheads seldom fail to produce at least one controversial show each season. Remember Survivor: Separate but Equal and FOX’s Skating with Felons? This fall is no different.

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