Black Friday. Black Coffee. Black Pride

This ain’t been the season to be jolly. OK, it has in some ways and hasn’t in othersLet’s go from the top – the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday was more like “run over your ass and push your ass down” Friday. Most white people think Black Friday is the day things get took. But it’s actually when everyone quite possibly purchases everything in that one day for the Christmas season. Wal-Mart doesn’t have layaway anymore, and everyone found that out on the 24th of November, which totally screwed everyone up, i.e., me, meaning I had to pay for everything with cash since brothers don’t carry no credit cards, if you know what I mean. Also, the holiday season is the time that every man that doesn’t really enjoy the mall has to play like he really does enjoy the mall. In other words, old-ass men walking around in flannel shirts and overalls, pissed off, wondering if she’s ever going to stop buying crap. Kids screaming about the top toys of ’06 Christmas – Nintendo® Wii™, PlayStation® 3 – which is basically the price of a nice luxury car note. I’m not saying you’re not supposed to love your kids, but you do still have 8,000 payments on that car outside.

I have a question, parents: How come kids don’t play board games anymore? Why don’t they like Monopoly®? I learned how to hustle playing Monopoly. That game is capitalism at its best. It should be in every black high school in America. If you can’t go to college, there’s always Monopoly. If the white guy next to you asks why, just wink your eye, because the game is to be told, never to be sold. Thank you, Parker Brothers.

Other things that struck me around the festive holiday season were the people scrapping at the mall. I know what you’re saying: “They’re always scrapping at Cortana Mall.” No, this was at the Mall of Louisiana. I actually had to help somebody’s grandmother to the car. That’s the first time in a long time I wasn’t scared of an older white lady, because she wasn’t scared of me. She even offered me a tip, which I gladly turned down. That was just me making peace with the geriatric crowd.

Some things I do look for around the holiday season – movies, which hasn’t been all that great this year. For some strange reason, the Rocky movie was critically acclaimed. By the way, the disturbance at Citiplace – I thought it was the paisanos cutting loose, but actually, the bro-ham let loose. Then there was the movie that every gay black man and straight black woman was waiting on – Dreamgirls. Can I just say this? It’s worth it. And I’m as straight as they come – trust me.

I was invited to a Christmas party at Splash this year and was told that they had good hors d’oeuvres. Trust me, I was checking every woman in that place, ‘cause I got a reputation to uphold. I was doing the coochie check on everyone, ‘cause it’s hard to tell in that place. One thing is strange, though: In gay clubs, do they just give everybody condoms? Because there was a lot of freaky-deaky going on in that place. It was wildin’ out in that mo-fo.

And now the thing that really blew my mind – depressing-ass Christmas gifts. Here’s what I was given this year: a shaving kit, a cashmere sweater, two packs of socks, $25, and the most f–ked-up gift that I can ever receive – a $40 gift card to CC’s Coffee. I’m not saying that CC’s isn’t good coffee, but the person that’s known me 17 years has never seen me drink coffee. So why would you give me a $40 CC’s gift card?! Can you answer that question? You could’ve bought me a half-pint of Hennessy; I would’ve been happy. You could’ve bought me a pack of Pepperidge Farm® shortbread cookies and put a big-ass bow on them. Hell, she coulda showed me one of her knockers and I’da been straight for Christmas. But a $40 gift card to CC’s Coffee? Talk about repackaged gifts. This is some bullsh–t.

I have come to realize about me gift-giving. Next year, everybody is getting Mickey D’s gift certificates, ‘cause McDonald’s® is the gift that keeps on giving. And it’s easy.

Before I go, we’ve lost a legend. James Brown – the singer, not the comic – passed away on Christmas Day. I feel bad and I’m pissed off. CNN interviewed that little-bitty-ass white boy on TV in the pink shirt and blue suit. I’m not mad at the kid, ‘cause that white lady threw him out in that water, but could you please throw him a life raft? All those black folks looked like they wanted to kill him. White folks should know not to get between black folks and their James Brown. She even had the audacity to ask him to sing. I swear to God, if he’da sung “I’m Black and I’m Proud,” I’da drove to Georgia and choked the sh–t out of her, ‘cause we already have one too many Kevin Federlines.

Peace Out!

Jeramaine Jingles is an angry black man – a VERY angry black man. If you want a piece of this, holla to angry@redshtickmagazine.com.