‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, so we had a party at the double-wide. Not a creature was stirring, ‘cause we shot everything outside. I was drunk, Donnie Ray was lit, and everyone that didnÂ’t pay for the keg beer gave us the slip. Donnie Ray passed out at the wrong end of his bed, while visions of pitcher beer, hot wings, and strippers danced in his head. I climbed into the lazy boy to take me a nap, too lazy to turn the lights off, so I pulled down my cap. Then, outside, I heard a loud clatter. I fell out the lazy boy to see what was the matter. Away to the window I ran with a flashlight. I tore away the aluminum foil so I could see into the night. When what to my wondering eyes should appear: a big olÂ’ red dually with eight dead reindeer, with a little old dude drivinÂ’, so lively and quick, it took me a moment to realize that it was St. Nick. He jumped from the cab with his bag in his hand and said, “Looks like I wonÂ’t be needing these sumbitches again.” He said, “I know one thing and let me make this clear: I know one fat boy that will be eating good ‘til next year. See, I traded in the sleigh and gave these suckers a dirt nap. Now get out of my way, son; IÂ’m here to deliver yÂ’allÂ’s crap.” So into the trailer St. Nicholas came. He opened up his bag and did his thang. Under the tree, he put down our gifts, and in the ‘frigerator, he put us a fifth. 

Then he snuck to the back of the trailer to mess with D.R. 
The first thing he did was hide the keys to his car. 
Then he took a marker and wrote on his forehead, 
then duct-taped his ass to the bed. 

When he was done, he asked for a beer, 
then he said, “I gotta get the hell outta here.” 
He fired that dually up and headed off into the night: 
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!” 

We wish you all a Merry Christmas! 

Justin & Donnie Ray    

Justin & Donnie Ray are ZacharyÂ’s foulest – youÂ’d best keep yore distance! Tap a message on out to ‘em using that hi-tech email at redneck@redshtickmagazine.com.