¡Se Habla Liberty!

Hey folks! ItÂ’s July, and once again, itÂ’s time to celebrate Thomas Jefferson taking time off from his black slave girlfriend to write up the Declaration of Independence. Even though he was the best writer the First Continental Congress had to offer, it still took 86 adjustments to the document before it was deemed ready to present to giddy King George, proving that Jefferson was, in fact, the first real American. So live it up in true American style with hot dogs from the Germans, beer from the Czechs, and fireworks from the Chinese. When it comes down to it, no one here is truly American, except for the Native Americans, who will be either too plastered or too busy counting their casino money to really celebrate the wonderful independence we won for them. Following in our beautiful heritage of opening our arms to the immigrants, IÂ’ve decided to offer each astrological sign its own little helpful phrase in AmericaÂ’s native tongue, Spanish. Happy Fourth, everyone!!! Viva los Estados Unidos!!! (Please bear in mind that I took Spanish at a public high school in Louisiana. Pardon any errors.) 

CANCER (June 21-July 22): 
“Ningun, no pienso que el burro esta teniendo diversion; el esta trabajando ahora.” 
“No, I donÂ’t think the donkey is having fun; heÂ’s working right now.” 

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): 
“Despues del qinto dia de la diarrea, la novedad usa apagado.” 
“After the fifth day of diarrhea, the novelty wears off.” 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): 
“Amaria venir a su barbacoa. Como usted mantiene los frijoles de caer el fuego?” 
“I would love to come to your bar-b-que. How do you keep the beans from falling in the fire?” 

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): 
“¡Eso es asombroso! En mi pais, solamente los payasos tienen la capacidad que caber que muchos de si mismos en un coche!” 
“ThatÂ’s amazing! In my country, only clowns have the ability to fit that many of themselves into a car!” 

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): 
“No miro la comedia de George Lopez. Apenas miro me en el espejo y digo ‘miraÂ’ por una hora.” 
“I donÂ’t watch George LopezÂ’s comedy. I just look at myself in the mirror and say ‘miraÂ’ for an hour.” 

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): 
“Hijo de Jor-El, genuflexion antes de ZOD!” 
“Son of Jor-El, kneel before ZOD!” 

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): 
“¿Sus luchadores usan mascaras para hacerlo mas facil decirles aparte?” 
“Do your wrestlers wear masks to make it easier to tell them apart?” 

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): 
“¿Usted en seno la fisica en Mexico? ¡Como es agradable! Ahora final que pinta me cerca.” 
“You taught physics in Mexico? How nice! Now finish painting my fence.” 

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): 
“No lo sentimos apropiarse para poner parasitos en nuestro licor.” 
“We don’t feel it appropriate to put parasites in our liquor.”

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): 
“Por favor, nomas llamene ‘Señor Bolillo.’” 
“Please, call me ‘Mr. Whitey.’” 

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): 
“Convengo, Tecate® soy delicioso, pero intento un Budweiser®.” 
“I agree, Tecate is delicious, but try a Budweiser.” 

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): 
“Estos estantes son ciertomente altos. Dejeme, conseguir eso para usted.” 
“These shelves certainly are high. Here, let me get that for you.”