Spears Me the Drama

It’s easy to say, “Oops! I did it again,” if you’re Britney Spears. Can you believe it? Britney Spears and her bullsh–t are still managing to damage the national image of the people of Louisiana.Thanks, bitch.Not only Britney is dropping turds on our image; now, her baby sister and her mom are, too. Jamie Lynn Spears is the 16-year-old sister of big Brit and star of Nickelodeon’s TV show Zoey 101. Just before Christmas, news broke that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant.Look, Spears family, we all know that there are a lot of worthless, trashy, four-wheeler-riding, incestuous mud puppies that vacation to the Bonnet Carré Spillway every Sunday to smoke meth and drink Natural Light® beer in an attempt to take a break from a long week of beating their wives and children. (I heard once that it takes 200 years of careful inbreeding to get the perfect breed of horse, but I’m not sure if that applies to people in Southeast Louisiana.) Spears family, you have been put in a position where your actions reflect on all of us in Louisiana, and I don’t like being looked at as a padeaux (trashy, low-life individual) in the eyes of the rest of the nation. You’re famous. At least make your drugs and problems look glamorous, like everyone else in Hollywood.

Especially you, Britney. You’ve been the butt of way too many jokes this year, whether it was losing your kids, getting your kids back, going to rehab, losing half of your money to K-Fed, losing your kids, going to rehab, going pantyless for the cameras, shaving your head, bombing at the MTV Video Music Awards, going to rehab, etc.

It’s already bad enough since Katrina. I’m still hesitant to tell new people that I’m from New Orleans, because I don’t want to be lumped into that stereotype that I’m a shell-shocked, displaced, Katrina victim…because I’m not. I’m also not a drug addict that walks barefooted into gas station restrooms…I wear shoes, of course.

Wow! We just have sh–tty luck when it comes to choosing people to represent the great state of Louisiana: our senators bang hookers, the Mayor of New Orleans is delusional, our congressmen freeze money, and our supposed role models are constantly in the spotlight for drug-crazed parenting.

Britney’s mom, Lynne Spears, was in the process of publishing a book on parenting (oh, it’s true). Since the news of the pregnancy broke, the publishing of Lynne’s “motherly tutorial” has been suspended indefinitely.

Lynne Spears is like a drug with delayed side effects. Everyone thought she was working just fine until sixteen years later, when patients (in this case, offspring) started experiencing erratic behavior and unwanted pregnancy. Her manufacturer may have to pay up big time if these patients decide to file for class-action lawsuits.

Jamie Lynn says that she intends to keep the baby and does not intend to get married to the father, 18-year-old Casey Aldridge, whom she met in church. My grandmother always said they had nice girls at church. Maybe I should’ve listened.

On Showbiz Tonight, about a week before Christmas, one of the discussants, Carlos Diaz, said, “Jamie Lynn Spears puts the ‘wow’ in ‘bow-chicka-wow-wow.’” (Yeah, he really said that.) Diaz did, however, make an interesting point. He said Jamie Lynn is getting paid to be “virginal.” He didn’t say she was getting paid to set a good example. He said “virginal.”

Maybe she is setting a good example by keeping the child instead of getting an abortion and keeping it a secret to maintain her image. It’s just like the “Johnny Dakota” episode of Saved by the Bell. Dakota was a hot movie star who was filming an anti-drug commercial at the high school. Later in the episode, we found out that Dakota was a pothead and a hypocrite. But thanks to Mr. Belding, NBC still decided to film a drug-free commercial on the Bayside campus.

The commercial went something like this:




“In one word…would I use dope? Nope.”

“There’s no hope with dope.”

Anyway, I can’t say that she set a good example by her actions, but she did paint a realistic picture of the life of a teenager: experimentation with sex, alcohol, and drugs. Society is changing. High school today is like college in the ‘70s. Kids are starting to experiment much earlier, and Jamie Lynn is a perfect example of that.