2008! Wow, whoÂ’da thunk it? I thought I'd be dead by now, like John Belushi or Chris Farley, but I guess I'm not famous enough. Whatever shall I do with these extra 365 Â– wait! Â– 366 days that I've been granted by Fate, Destiny, and Providence?! After I take out the garbage. And tear all of my hair out because Jessica Alba is freakin' pregnant!Speaking of pregnant, I just want to say one thing about Britney's little sister Jamie Lynn Spears being pregnant: Is anyone shocked by this? And their mother was going to write a book about parenting. Let me say that again: Britney Spears' mother was writing a book about how to bring your children up so they turn out to be well-balanced, levelheaded adults.Thankfully, after the news of Jamie Lynn's feminine condition, Mama Spears decided to nix the tome. You'da thought she'd have had a second thought a long F-bombing time ago. I mean, seriously, do you realize how much of this column I could have used to write love poems to Alyssa Milano if it weren't for my having to make fun of Britney all those times? Geez.
Is it me, or is every hot chick in Hollywood carrying?
So, moving onÂ… It's a new year! Time for new resolutions! I think everyone should have three resolutions: professional, personal, and physical.
For me, my professional goal for the year revolves around being the best entertainment writer I can be. I think that I can get a job on a sitcom as a writer, what with all the shake-ups in Hollywood due to the writersÂ’ strike. I've got an idea for a pilot that involves a Komodo dragon, 3 midgets, and 14 barrels of molasses.
On a personal level, I want to write letters to all my friends. I think it's the best way to keep in touch. Especially with the ones that have restraining orders against me.
As far as physical, the babes like the bod. I'll be working out every day so I can send pictures to my beloved starlets, like Scarlett Johansson and Halle Berry. They'll love the new me more than ever. Of course, given how much love they had for me previously, that's not saying much.
Last year, I predicted the following would happen in 2007:
I said Oprah would announce her candidacy for president of these United States. That hasn't happened. Yet.
I also said that Donald Trump and Rosie OÂ’Donnell would face off in Celebrity Boxing. Now, while I was wrong about the venue, the Don and the Rose did duke it out in a Manhattan alley on March 23. Trump gave Rosie a pounding, but she wound up getting the better of him by pulling off his toupee. He was so worried about keeping his bald head covered, he couldnÂ’t defend himself too well.
I also said that former wife of Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, and current bedfellow of Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, would not only get along but would make a movie together featuring an intense, lesbian, sex scene. That was true, but like the Trump-O'Donnell fight, it wasnÂ’t exactly publicized. If you know the right places on the internet, you might be able to find a copy. What did Pitt have to say about all this? Ol' Brad simultaneously slapped himself in the face and patted himself on the backÂ…and got to watch.
So what's going to happen in '08? Francis Ford Coppola will make wine and will also be offered the job as the director for the final Harry Potter movie. He'll turn it down, though, so he can make a movie about space monkeys. Tom Hanks will make a movie that involves him being forced to sell blood and plasma to make money. Unfortunately, his character needs more blood than his own body can provide, so he steals it from bums and takes it to the blood center. The working title for the film is Hobo Vampire.
One last prediction? I would say that Shia LaBeouf will be caught up in a scandal, but we know that's unlikely, so I'll predict that Shia will be involved in three scandals! One will involve trafficking bootleg iPods, and another will involve transvestite hookers with vision impairments. Those are the ones I know about, and I'm planning to drop a dime on him in June. I'm sure something else is going on with him. I mean, the guy cheats at cards.
Well, that's all for me. Have a happy New Year and good luck with those resolutions. Excelsior!