McCollister Chosen to Succeed Billy Mays

BATON ROUGE – Baton Rouge Business Report publisher Rolfe McCollister was named in December as the successor to TV gadget pitchman Billy Mays.Mays, who already has announced he will retire within the next five years, said McCollister was “the logical choice” as his replacement.
“Based on Rolfe’s incredible ability to sell his city on absolutely anything, he’ll have no problem with OxiClean® and Orange Glo®,” Mays said.In a statement, McCollister said he accepted the position with humility, vowing to uphold Mays’ standard for excellence.“We offer only the best products, like Liquid Diamond™, the Awesome Auger, and the Hercules Hook™,” McCollister said. “You’ll never find us with BluBlockers™ or that stupid sound amplifier. I mean, that stuff is just cheesy.”Senate to Target Van Halen GuitaristBATON ROUGE – Legislative Republicans wasted little time in setting their reform agenda, vowing to pass a state law that formally declares that legendary rock guitarist Eddie Van Halen has “clearly” lost his edge.

In the announcement, which came just months after supergroup Van Halen launched a tour, reuniting the band with original front man David Lee Roth, senators told reporters gathered at the Governor’s Mansion that the rock-and-roll lifestyle, along with hip-replacement surgery, had undoubtedly taken its toll on Van Halen, an icon who pioneered the “fingerboard” style of guitar play.

Governor-elect Bobby Jindal pledged his support, saying Van Halen “has trouble bending a barre major seventh.”

“He couldn’t play with my cousin,” Jindal said, “and I have thousands of them.”

 

“Governator” Can’t Wait to Meet, Haze Jindal

SACRAMENTO – California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said in December that he already had a nickname chosen for Louisiana Gov.-elect Bobby Jindal and that he “can’t wait” for the two to meet at this year’s gathering of the National Governors Association.

“I’m going to have lots of fun with Little Darkie,” Schwarzenegger said affectionately of Jindal. “I can’t wait to get him on the beer bong, spank him with that big board thing, and make him eat the goldfish.”

Jindal did not have an immediate response to Schwarzenegger’s comments, but a spokeswoman said Jindal swallowed very hard.

 

“Study Abroad” Not What ‘40s-era Gangster Thought

PARIS – When he enrolled in LSU Continuing Education’s study abroad program, Lenny “The Beef” Barkowski thought he would be eyeing the gams on some dames, and how. Two weeks after departing New Orleans, he’s still boating around Europe like some kind of nervous duck.

Sitting in a dirty, rotten, gin joint on Rue de la Faisanderie, Barkowski warned the boys in Kansas City they better get him back quick-like, or he’ll be wearing a pine box for an overcoat.

“Send a car around, Louie, or it’s curtains for me. Curtains, I tells ya’,” he was overheard saying on the lounge telephone.

 

“Off the Wire” Corrections

 

Circle K does not put the “turd” in “turducken.”

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

 

Metro Councilman Ulysses “Bones” Addison clarified in December that, while he is a fan of R&B recording legend James Brown, he does not like them fat and proud.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

 

A review of our independent research proves that Addis does, in fact, smell worse than Brusly.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.