March, 2005

In case you haven’t noticed, folks, we have a nickname for the BACS – Louisiana’s X Games. Why do we call it that? Well, just like the X Games participants, drunk drivers take the official sport of our fair state (drinking) and take it to the “extreme.” (In case you didn’t know, that’s where the “X” comes from.) These fine athletes risk physical injury for the sake of accomplishing feats that many say can’t, or shouldn’t, be done. They ignore the naysayers and follow their dream of, one day, hoisting the Judge Don Johnson Trophy. And since the NHL season has been canceled, this trophy is much more prestigious than Lord Stanley’s Cup, at least for now.

Recently, a Michigan woman tried her hand at participating in this very sport, but she had a rather unorthodox style. Instead of getting lit on traditional libations, she became intoxicated on three glasses of Listerine®. That’s right, folks – Listerine®. Who knew that Yankees consider Walgreens to be a package store?


According to reports from Adrian, Michigan, 50-year-old Carol Ries was sentenced to two years probation after pleading guilty to driving while drunk. Police found a bottle of the potent mouthwash in her car after she rear-ended another vehicle at a red light.

She actually passed one breath test but failed a second. It turns out that her blood alcohol was a whopping .30 percent! ThatÂ’s nearly four times the legal limit! Apparently, instead of testing her blood alcohol level, the first test only checked her breath for minty freshness.

In case you were wondering, according to Listerine® manufacturer Pfizer Inc.’s website, original formula Listerine® contains 26.9 percent alcohol. That’s more than four times the alcohol content of most malt liquors. So don’t be surprised the next time you stroll down the toiletry aisle if you see a popular brand of mouthwash labeled as “54 proof.”

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from January 23 - February 20, 2005.

10. Vincent M., 36, 1st-offense DWI, stop sign/yield sign violation, driverÂ’s license suspended or revoked, reckless operation of a vehicle, hit and run, and public intimidation.

This rookie made the cut for two reasons: He didnÂ’t bother to stick around to take responsibility, and he knows how to talk smack. Talking trash to your arresting officer will always get you bonus points.

9. Kimberly Elizabeth R., 26, 1st-offense DWI, first-degree negligent vehicular injuring, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and child restraints violation.

Some may see Kimberly as negligent for driving drunk with unrestrained kids in her vehicle. Truth is, she was just trying to toughen them up. After all, who wants to raise wimpy kids?

8. Martin H., 27, 2nd-offense DWI, driverÂ’s license not in possession, reckless operation of a vehicle, bringing contraband into a penal institution, possession of marijuana, and obstruction of a road.

How did Martin sneak marijuana into prison? While we’re not sure, we do have a hunch – the ol’ “chronic colonic.” Man, that’s good sh–t.

7. Heather E., 24, 2nd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, public intimidation, and simple battery.

Wow! A trash-talking girl who likes to drink and knows how to throw a punch. Sounds like a dream date.

6. Emily S., 23, 1st-offense DWI, battery of a police officer, simple criminal damage to property, disobeying a red light, improper lane usage, and resisting an officer.

Apparently, Emily had just seen Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby. Unfortunately, she tried to spar with her arresting officer.

5. Calvin Lee C., Jr., 32, 1st-offense DWI, obstruction of a highway, possession of marijuana, and distribution/manufacturing of crack cocaine.

Not only is Calvin a hustler with an entrepreneurial spirit, he also has political aspirations. He hopes that one day crack will get him elected as the mayor of Washington, D.C.

4. George Donnell K., 28, 2nd-offense DWI, battery of a police officer, resisting an officer, improper lane usage, fleeing to elude police, license plate switched, and driverÂ’s license not in possession.

George is a world-class athlete that likes to cross-train. Not only does he run and use resistance exercises, but he also likes to mix in a little cop pounding, too.

3. Karen Ann T., 40, 3rd-offense DWI, driverÂ’s license suspended or revoked, possession of marijuana, and contributing to the delinquency of a juvenile.

Is it any wonder the kids in the neighborhood like to hang out at KarenÂ’s crib? A crunk MILF who likes to share her stash! Dude, your mom rocks!

2. John Kirby W., 62, 4th-offense DWI and improper lane usage.

John hails from North Carolina, which is known for three things: basketball, NASCAR, and moonshine. While John doesnÂ’t have much of a jump shot, two out of three ainÂ’t bad.

1. Joseph B., 21, 4th-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, and improper lane usage.

Joseph is one of the youngest recipients of the Judge Don Johnson trophy. This could be the beginning of a dynasty. According to his friends, if Joseph continues to play the BACS like he smokes dope, he definitely will NOT be a “one-hit” wonder.

Congratulations, Joseph. YouÂ’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. WeÂ’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.