March, 2005

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Point of advice, dear Pisces: Even though a woman may appear to be pregnant and/or nursing children, she may just be "big boned." All is not lost, however, as you can get back on her good side with a dozen roses and three dozen donuts.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): It's one thing after another these days. I'd suggest getting really drunk, then calling all of your friends who weren't cool enough to get drunk with you. Make sure it's around three or four in the morning, and when they answer, do your best impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger ordering a pizza.


TAURUS (April 20-May 20): How you make your living may be affected today. Stay on top in order to protect your position. Not everyone will be on your side; in fact, some will want you from behind. Stability, reliability, and a lack of a gag reflex will be what keeps you ahead of the competition, so don't waffle or choke now.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I'm going to save you a doctor visit. The little "problem" you are experiencing in your nether region is simply diaper rash. Next time you and your "friend" play Mommy and Baby, make sure to wash the diaper before you wear it, mmmkay?

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your emotions are close to the surface. You may not like change, but it will be necessary in order to get back on track or get ahead at this point. With a little extra effort, and a drop or two of K-Y®, you should be able to make things happen that will ensure positive results.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Forming a partnership isn't such a bad idea. An opportunity to join together with someone can be fun and enjoyable. Remember, though, who's the giver and who's the receiver, or you may end up in a "sword fight."

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You may want to question your motives. If you aren't doing what you really want to do, or if you are involved in something that is holding you back or causing you grief, it's time to make changes that will better suit your needs. My advice? Get buck nekkid, oil yourself up, and then email me pictures.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Life should be settling down for a bit. You'll get a chance to relax and let it all hang out, but first you have to deal with your evil ex. That's right, they're doing everything in their power to make it to the top of your hate list. Just remember, if you throw a brick through a window, wear gloves.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You are so close and yet so far. The more you push, the harder it is to get ahead. Take a moment, rethink your course, and consider the adjustments that need to be made. Success is waiting for you, but you have to find the right passageway…. Always remember, Scorpio: No matter which “passageway” you're shooting for, lick it before you stick it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Recent planetary alignments have empowered you with a surge of positive energy. Go out and do something good for the world. Walk an elderly woman across the street, or do something sweet and helpful to many, many people, like delivering free boxes of Valtrex® to the local sorority houses…awww.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Work is getting more and more exciting. Look forward to Topless Tuesday and S&M Thursday this week. Last week may have fizzled, but this week is a new chance. Don't be afraid to take pictures, and buy those new leather "goods" you've been eyeing – it's a good investment. Just remember, leather shrinks when it's wet…or does it? ;)

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are on the verge of making a comeback. You have unique ideas, and someone is willing to give you a chance. Now is the time to try and push that idea with your significant other. Come on, what could it hurt? Besides, what's so odd about bobby socks, duct tape, a broomstick, a tub full of olive oil, and some Velcro®?

Phil is a gentle giant and the Shtick's resident psychic adviser. Just think of him as Miss Cleo; only white, male, and NOT indicted for scamming. Share your soul with him at