Jimmy Swaggart

Recently, during one of his televised sermons, local televangelist Jimmy Swaggart made an eye-popping remark about gays fighting for the right of same-sex marriage. He said, “I’m trying to find the correct name for it…this utter, absolute, asinine, idiotic stupidity of men marrying men…I’ve never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry.” We believe that if Swaggart wasn’t on TV, he would have used the word “f–k” in lieu of “marry.” He continued, “And I’m going to be blunt and plain; if one ever looks at me like that, I’m gonna kill him and tell God he died.” Can’t you just feel the love coming from Bluebonnet?

 


Let’s see now. We have a man who talks about the love of God saying that not only would he kill a man who looks at him “like that” (whatever “that” means), he’s going to kill him, then lie to God about it. Like Jimmy’s got such a great track record with the Almighty that He’s going to take his word for it. “Oh, You can trust me, God. Really, he just croaked right there in front of me. I even tried to raise him from the dead, but I just couldn’t do it. Satan must have really had a hold of him. Probably that damnable AIDS. It’s too bad, because I was on the verge of saving his soul from the scourge of fudgepacking.”

Later, Swaggart tried to cover his ass (insert joke here) by claiming that he was joking. Riiigght. That’s why he prefaced his comments by saying he would be “blunt” and “plain.” It doesn’t really matter if he was joking or not. When you’re a high-profile religious figure (and trust us, he still has plenty of loyal followers), you are not afforded the luxury of making jokes about murdering people. The world already has enough wackos doing crazy sh!# in the name of religion without Swaggart’s help. Also, most of these nuts don’t have a sense of humor to distinguish between a joke and a call to dispense righteous justice.

Swaggart’s hypothetical is most probably moot. Jimmy’s not exactly what you would call a “daddy.” Besides that, Swaggart is reportedly a horrible tipper. “If you want to land that queen, don’t be stingy with the green.” In fact, reports are that gay men all over Baton Rouge are rejoicing that Brother Jimmy is fervently batting for the other team.

Of course, we can’t help but wonder what would happen if Swaggart was looked at “like that” by a drag queen dressed as a skanky prostitute. We all know that Jimmy has a soft spot (that gets rather hard) for ugly hookers. Unfortunately, we’ll probably never find out, because no self-respecting drag queen would ever allow herself to leave the house looking as nasty as that chick that Jimmy paid.