Flakes, Flautas, and More Flakes

The Winter Olympics are awful. The reason they happen only once every four years is so that people forget how boring figure skating truly is. What the hell is curling, anyway? It appears to be a team shuffleboard sport with some sort of housekeeping fetish. WomenÂ’s hockey? Really? How come Sonny Bono had to die while skiing, but Bode Miller is still allowed to live? He should hit a tree just because his name is Bode. Then he has to whine and cry about how hard it is to be famous. Bode Miller is famous? Since when? People talked about you one other time for about two weeks, and at the end of the end of this Olympics, nobody is going to care about you ever again until VH1 does the I Love the Olympics series, in which you will be listed in the “biggest dud” category, next to Dan and Dave from the Reebok® commercials. If you are lucky, you will be one of the incorrect choices on a game show.

If I wanted to put my food together, I wouldnÂ’t be at a restaurant. That is why I donÂ’t go to fondue restaurants or order fajitas. Why not just order a quesadilla and be done with it? No, thatÂ’s too simple when you can have them bring a flaming plate to your table with steam and smoke going everywhere, pissing off those of us who donÂ’t want to hear your food continue to cook at the table. Maybe you just need to realize that all Mexican cuisine is simply some form of tortilla with cheese, meat, and/or vegetables. Tacos are crispy, nachos are snack size, burritos are plain, and chimichangas are fried, but essentially, they are all the same.

What is the point of holding yourself hostage? I have been watching a marathon on TV about S.W.A.T. officers, and it seems like a lot of their work deals with people holding themselves hostage. Doesn’t it defeat the purpose of taking hostages if you are the only hostage? You can’t use your “hostage” to negotiate for things like the release of prisoners or nude pictures of Estelle Getty, because they want you to release hostages in good faith, and if you do that, you give away your only advantage.

Most of these people appear to be suicidal, so my question is: Why not just shoot them, or at the very least, encourage them to shoot themselves? I’m fairly certain we won’t lose a major contributor to society. If their argument is, “Don’t come closer or I will shoot myself,” and your counterargument is, “If you don’t stop trying to shoot yourself, we will shoot you,” it seems that there is some common ground between the two sides. It looks like both sides have the same goal in mind. Sure, it makes for great TV, but the police have important work to do that shouldn’t have to include standing around because you don’t have the gumption to do it yourself.

Downtown Bruno is a really nosy guy who likes to keep his ear to the ground, usually because heÂ’s falling-down drunk offa too much Jager.