The Fantastic Four

I was lucky enough to see an advanced screening of The Fantastic Four. I was really excited because I thought it was about two hos with nice racks. It was really about these five white people that went into space. Normally, this lack of black representation would make me mad. There is, however, a very good reason there were no brothers in space: Any brother with half a brain knows, if he goes to outer space with five white people and something goes wrong, heÂ’s the first one to die. 


Something did go wrong when they went into space, but did someone die? No, because there werenÂ’t any black people. Instead, they all got super-freakinÂ’-powers. The chick got the ability to become invisible and make objects invisible. You know, when they were deciding what powers to give to whom, they had to give the invisibility one to the chick. If they gave that power to one of the guys, he would just spend the whole time making girlsÂ’ clothes disappear and totally forget about saving the world.

The Human Torch could turn into fire and bend flames. It seems like a cool power at first. I mean, sure, you never have to carry around a lighter, and you can make smores anywhere, but what happens when you get gas? I mean, you canÂ’t just let one slip and blame it on the dog. EveryoneÂ’s going to notice the flames shooting out of your butt.

Mr. Fantastic had the ability to elongate his body. It seems like a boring power at first, but when I was watching him I thought, “Can he elongate every part of his body?” If so, then that’s the power I want.

Then thereÂ’s the Thing. He is a hideously misshapen monster with superhuman strength. This dude was ugly, I mean U-G-L-Y. I donÂ’t care if he can pick up a fire truck; there is no way this dude is getting laid. Let me be sexy and weak as a kitten. That beats being ugly and horny any day.

Now, if there was a brother up there, and those racist writers were nice enough not to kill him off, his power would just be the ability to find the nearest PopeyeÂ’s, or some crap. Racist bastards.

These four characters joined together to become the Fantastic Four. They all put on their leotards and fought their enemy, Dr. Doom. Why do they have to put them in those stupid tights? Why canÂ’t they fight crime in a nice pair of jeans? Then maybe they could do some undercover work, and find out who the bad guy is before he unleashes his diabolical scheme. WhoÂ’s not going to notice the fairy in a leotard thatÂ’s shooting fire out of his ass?

I wonÂ’t tell you how it ended, because I donÂ’t know. Some chick with a phat ass winked at me and I followed her to her car. I would definitely borrow the bootleg from my cousin next week after he goes to see it. However, if the movie ended anything like my night did, youÂ’re going to need a shot of penicillin.

K.B. developed a deep appreciation for the cinema early in life, thanks to the inspirational works of Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong. Dude, you can reach out to him at tokin@redshtickmagazine.com.