Erin Go Faux

Hey there, dudes and dudettes, major-league butt kicking is back in town! This time it is of the Irish variety. Faith and begorrah! This St. PattyÂ’s Day, green isnÂ’t the only color to be concerned about. On March 17th, the streets run red with riversÂ…of justice!! Matt Damon is: Patrick Saint. When you find the end of the rainbow, it wonÂ’t be that pot of gold youÂ’ve heard about. Patrick Saint will be waiting, with two sawed-off barrels of luck. Bad luck. Coming soon.

ThatÂ’s how director Robert Zemeckis pitched the Patrick Saint idea to Miramax. Initially, it was to be distributed by Bridestone Pictures (formerly Blarney Stone Pictures, but then the studio head got hitched), but they passed on the grounds that it made Irish folk look like utter twits. ThereÂ’s a scene where he takes out 20 baddies with a double-barrel shotgun in a crowded footballÂ…er, thatÂ’d be soccer on this side of the pondÂ…stadium and then jumps onto the field to score the winning goal. The would-be studio thought that took the whole suspension-of-disbelief aspect a bit too far. Put that together with a lead character that “gets all knifey when children are around,” and you may understand the cold feet potential backers had. 


Still, itÂ’s hard to turn down a good film about people of the Emerald Isle, especially when the villain (played to superb perfection by Billy Connolly) is called Shenanigan. Also, there is a nude scene featuring a girl with a superfluous nipple that has to be seen to be believed.

Let’s see, what else is going on Hollywood-wise? Well, who cares? We got stuff right here on the bayou that will make you slap your grandma and pass the pudding! There’s a film set in a day spa in Alexandria that gets taken over by a bunch of cowpokes from San Antonio. (Ain’t it always the Texans?) These thievin’ nogoodniks take over the mud baths, the saunas, the Jacuzzis®, and the salon, all for their own nefarious purposes. It’s up to the mild-mannered customers and fey towel boys to take back their cucumbers in Schmelaxation.

Also, Joe Pesci will be starring in Louisiana Leprechaun (getting back to that Irish theme). IÂ’m sure itÂ’ll be better than 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag or Gone FishinÂ’. Yeah, like thatÂ’s saying a lot. Ashley Olsen plays his love interest.

Well, when you talk about big Hollywood movies, they donÂ’t come much bigger than the big brother of all science fiction flicks: Star Wars. No doubt you know that, in a couple of months, the topper of the recent trilogy will be hitting the theatres in full THX surround sound with CGI thatÂ’ll make your eyes pop out of your head, roll around on the floor, and start making sweet loveÂ…if such a thing is possible. Anyway, not only are the actual films big money makers, but the franchise also sets the benchmark for movie tie-ins and merchandising.

Beyond what was done for the first movies – action figures, bed sheets, toilet paper, and flame throwers – Episode III will be celebrating capitalism on a whole new level: Boba Fett adult diapers, Windex® endorsed by Wookiees, and Darth Vader condoms (“your skills with a…saber shall determine this match”). And not to be matched by the Jabba’s sail barge/minivan from the original trilogy, George Lucas is endorsing a working landspeeder. Will it float like the ones in the movies? According to the folks at GM, it will, maybe. So says Charles Fuggins from GM’s R&D department: “Well, it should work, but even if it doesn’t, you’ll be able to score with some nerd chicks, and in the end, isn’t that what we all want?”

Well said, Chuck, well said. IÂ’m Jimmy Faux; see yaÂ’ in thirty, after I get out of jail. I swear, she looked 18, or at least 16!

If you wanna know where the stars be goin', ask Jimmy Faux – he be knowin'! Dish with him at faux@redshtickmagazine.com.