The Digital Crackhead: April Releases Reviewed

In honor of your favorite digital crackhead purchasing a brand new, third-hand PSP®, April’s reviews will exclusively feature PSP games. Sure, it’s a beleaguered little beast: Of the few games available, most are undeniably sh–tty (eternal load times, bad ports of PS2’s® worst titles, etc.), it’s laughable as an MP3 player, and Sony is a total a–hole when it comes to anti-homebrew a–holishness. The only conceivable future in which digital content is toted around in Sony UMDs™ is the same one that features the Blu-ray vs. HDVD war going nuclear. But f–k me if the dang thing ain’t a purty piece o’ engineerin’. With a memory card, a computer, and a little know-how, one can use the PSP to watch movies and even play old-school games (the original GameBoy’s™ Tetris® never gets old). I guess it might be possible to enjoy its (few decent) UMD games – a number of which actually offer decent online play. Maybe, with enough duct tape and spit, I could mod it to play Nintendo® DS games – stylus and all! ;-)

Bliss Island – Named after a real island…on which you won't find this buzz-kill.

Pocket Pool – It’s like a pocket pussy, except the opposite of orgasmic.

Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords – Hey, it's the non-awaited puzzle game about Afghanistan! Probably explains why this poorly-executed p.o.s. is only on opium.

Pimp My Ride – Forget my ride; this game needs a pimpin'. (Alternate title: Waste My Time)

Valhalla Knights – Somehow worse than its regrettable prequel, Valhalla Daze.

Cube™ – (pube)

Ultimate Board Game Collection – Ultimate Bored Game Collection.

7 Wonders – “I wonder why anyone would play this game.” (Repeat 6x.)

Spider-Man™ 3 – I would say this game is great, but I'd be wrong.

Heatseeker™ – Not for fun seekers.

Winx™ Club: Join the Club – The Winx Club: Exclusively for Jerk-Off A–holes.