Dear Joe

Everyone asks me for advice, so I did what everyone should do and started an advice column. Feel free to drop me a line anytime, except between 4 and 6pm, because thatÂ’s when I take off my pants and watch Full House.Dear Joe,I am a nineteen-year-old girl with enormous breasts and low self-esteem. I want to know if you think I should flash my breasts at Mardi Gras?
Confused in Coushatta
Dear Confused,
Yes. Shut up. Probably the only reason that any boys like you is your enormous breasts, so why take away the only thing that makes people like you? Thanks for writing in.
Dear Joe,
It burns when I urinate. Thanks for nothinÂ’.
Burning in Brusly
Dear Burning,
Sorry about that; I thought I got that taken care of. Guess not. I will be sending you a Blow Pop® and a 1994 Magic Eye® calendar to say I’m sorry. Please never write to me again, Kevin Federline.
Dear Joe,
Please tell me how you got over your crippling addiction to pornography. It affects my life to the point itÂ’s all I think about. Help!
Addicted in Addis
Dear Addicted,
I found the best way to kick the porno habit is NOT to kick the porno habit. Are you crazy? Porno is like sweet candy kisses from God Himself! ItÂ’s like the joy of your first child being born and the first time that child squeezes your finger and looks you in the eye and you then know that your life is no longer your own but must be devoted to this tiny miracle born of love. Porno makes me happy in ways I never thought possible. It makes me break these earthly shackles and touch the face of God.
Dear Joe,
IÂ’ve invented a time machine to take me back to before you started writing for this magazine and made it suck.
Dear Grandma,
Maybe you could invent a machine that would make your house not smell like dead cats and hatred. Love you lots, see you at Easter. In your face.
Well, thanks to everyone for their submissions. I hope you had a safe Mardi Gras, but I know better.