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Hey folks! ItÂ’s July, and once again, itÂ’s time to celebrate Thomas Jefferson taking time off from his black slave girlfriend to write up the Declaration of Independence. Even though he was the best writer the First Continental Congress had to offer, it still took 86 adjustments to the document before it was deemed ready to present to giddy King George, proving that Jefferson was, in fact, the first real American. So live it up in true American style with hot dogs from the Germans, beer from the Czechs, and fireworks from the Chinese.

Join us as we take a journey deep into space to a distant galaxy, far, far away. There, as a result of evolutionary forces that have been hard at work for billions of years, there exists a civilization so far advanced that its inhabitants are born with wireless internet access which goes directly to their brains.

George was curious. "Could he be President of the United States?"So he asked the man with the yellow hat if he could be president. But the man with the yellow hat said, “George, you’re just a silly little monkey! You’re not qualified to be president! You could never get enough people to vote for you to be elected!”But George was curious, so he went to the Supreme Court and asked the learned and wise Republican judges if he could be president.“OK, George,” said the judges. “You can be president. But don’t get into any trouble!”So George became President.

I am planning a wedding. For those of you who havenÂ’t yet had the joy of preparing for nuptial bliss, let me tell you now that the American invasion of Normandy on D-Day probably took less preparation and planning.The things that people told me would be difficult were surprisingly a piece of cake for me. I picked out the dress. I picked out bridesmaidsÂ’ dresses that my bridesmaids not only like but also can wear again. I found the place and booked it. I havenÂ’t picked out the florist yet, but my wedding isnÂ’t until October, so I have plenty of time.

Valentine's Day is fast approaching. As those of you who regularly read my column may remember, I am not a fan of this holiday. I am, however, a fan of sex and, if you are a part of a couple on this romantic day, the almost-required-by-law mandate to get you some. Therefore, I feel it is my civic duty to inform you horny readers of songs/artists that are guaranteed to get you laid. Ladies, I am going to focus mainly on the male readers here, as it has been my experience that the only thing that most women have to do is say “hello” and we can get lucky. Men: take notes. 

This month's article is a lesson to bands about the wisdom of sending me free CDs. I am a very busy person, a fact illustrated by the fact that I actually look forward to those rare times when I can stay home and do my laundry. I am planning a wedding, I work two jobs, I write this column, and when I'm not doing that, I try to have a social life – the latter of which usually revolves around food, since I have to take time off to eat.

This month, my editor handed me two CDs that bands had sent to me to review, and it brought about a dilemma for me. Which do I choose to review first? Do I review the CD that has the best music? Do I review the band that actually plays here in town, or do I pick the band that has made it enough to tour in Houston? In the end, it came down to packaging. One band had a slick, environmentally-friendly CD case that tied, and it came with a very professional-looking press release giving a biography of the band. Impressive.

How many times have you been looking through your CD collection or scrolling through your MP3 player and thought to yourself, "Hmmmm… Do I want to listen to the hard-rocking, metal sounds of Metallica, or do I want to listen to the gentle harmonies of The Beatles? Gosh, I wish there was a way that I could combine these two sounds and not have to make such a tough decision"? Well, now your prayers have been answered in a band called Beatallica. This band is not local, and like their name implies, their sound is a combination of The Beatles and Metallica.

When I was a teenager, I used to love to listen to the Beach Boys, They Might Be Giants, and various other happy-sounding, 60s-era bands while I was cruising in my car, enjoying the summer months. (Yes, I know that TMBG isn’t from the 60s, but I listened to them.) It was a wonderful time before I had to worry about paying bills and working eight hours a day. I listened to these older bands because, thanks to Nirvana, none of the bands that were out at the time seemed to be able to produce a happy, just-makes-you-feel-good CD.

Before I start my regular review, I would like to start with a complaint/rant.  What in hell is happening to heavy metal music?I went to a local bar last night to catch up with my favorite bartender and to get a couple drinks.  The bar has always had a fantastic music selection in its jukebox, but about a year ago, they got one of those machines that goes online and gives you thousands of selections from hundreds of artists, so you could easily spend an hour in front of the thing, trying to decide what you would like to listen to.