redshtickmagazineadmin's blog

I am planning a wedding. For those of you who havenÂ’t yet had the joy of preparing for nuptial bliss, let me tell you now that the American invasion of Normandy on D-Day probably took less preparation and planning.The things that people told me would be difficult were surprisingly a piece of cake for me. I picked out the dress. I picked out bridesmaidsÂ’ dresses that my bridesmaids not only like but also can wear again. I found the place and booked it. I havenÂ’t picked out the florist yet, but my wedding isnÂ’t until October, so I have plenty of time.

Valentine's Day is fast approaching. As those of you who regularly read my column may remember, I am not a fan of this holiday. I am, however, a fan of sex and, if you are a part of a couple on this romantic day, the almost-required-by-law mandate to get you some. Therefore, I feel it is my civic duty to inform you horny readers of songs/artists that are guaranteed to get you laid. Ladies, I am going to focus mainly on the male readers here, as it has been my experience that the only thing that most women have to do is say “hello” and we can get lucky. Men: take notes. 

This month's article is a lesson to bands about the wisdom of sending me free CDs. I am a very busy person, a fact illustrated by the fact that I actually look forward to those rare times when I can stay home and do my laundry. I am planning a wedding, I work two jobs, I write this column, and when I'm not doing that, I try to have a social life – the latter of which usually revolves around food, since I have to take time off to eat.

This month, my editor handed me two CDs that bands had sent to me to review, and it brought about a dilemma for me. Which do I choose to review first? Do I review the CD that has the best music? Do I review the band that actually plays here in town, or do I pick the band that has made it enough to tour in Houston? In the end, it came down to packaging. One band had a slick, environmentally-friendly CD case that tied, and it came with a very professional-looking press release giving a biography of the band. Impressive.

How many times have you been looking through your CD collection or scrolling through your MP3 player and thought to yourself, "Hmmmm… Do I want to listen to the hard-rocking, metal sounds of Metallica, or do I want to listen to the gentle harmonies of The Beatles? Gosh, I wish there was a way that I could combine these two sounds and not have to make such a tough decision"? Well, now your prayers have been answered in a band called Beatallica. This band is not local, and like their name implies, their sound is a combination of The Beatles and Metallica.

When I was a teenager, I used to love to listen to the Beach Boys, They Might Be Giants, and various other happy-sounding, 60s-era bands while I was cruising in my car, enjoying the summer months. (Yes, I know that TMBG isn’t from the 60s, but I listened to them.) It was a wonderful time before I had to worry about paying bills and working eight hours a day. I listened to these older bands because, thanks to Nirvana, none of the bands that were out at the time seemed to be able to produce a happy, just-makes-you-feel-good CD.

Before I start my regular review, I would like to start with a complaint/rant.  What in hell is happening to heavy metal music?I went to a local bar last night to catch up with my favorite bartender and to get a couple drinks.  The bar has always had a fantastic music selection in its jukebox, but about a year ago, they got one of those machines that goes online and gives you thousands of selections from hundreds of artists, so you could easily spend an hour in front of the thing, trying to decide what you would like to listen to.

October is here!  Theoretically, this is my favorite month.  The air starts to get crisp, and you can layer clothing and wear sweaters.  Football season is in full swing.  If you live anywhere but here, the leaves start to change colors, and you get to start up the first fire in the fireplace for the year.  Hot apple cider is the beverage of choice, and Halloween comes at the end and seems to kick off the beginning of the holiday season.  I love it!Now, to make October even more special for me, I am getting married this month.

Folks, Big L here, a.k.a. “The Latin Heat” – yeah, what! – to tell you about one of the baddest brawls to happen this side of the river since that time I whipped that tire’s ass at the Zachary Sausage Festival. I’m talkin’ about the “Ditch Pigs” going up against them two tons of fun, “Chocolate Thunder and Miss Big Draws,” at the “Bear’s Den” bar and bait shop last Saturday nite.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, so we had a party at the double-wide. Not a creature was stirring, ‘cause we shot everything outside. I was drunk, Donnie Ray was lit, and everyone that didn’t pay for the keg beer gave us the slip. Donnie Ray passed out at the wrong end of his bed, while visions of pitcher beer, hot wings, and strippers danced in his head. I climbed into the lazy boy to take me a nap, too lazy to turn the lights off, so I pulled down my cap. Then, outside, I heard a loud clatter. I fell out the lazy boy to see what was the matter.