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Our hero this month is a former professional football player who became an agent for the Drug Enforcement Agency. Unlike former Dallas Cowboy Nate Newton, Lee Paige, who played for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, decided to fight drugs after retirement rather than sell them.Recently, PaigeÂ’s fame as a DEA agent has far surpassed any that he experienced while playing in the NFL.

Whenever we at Red Shtick comment on the actions of a political body, typically weÂ’re slamming them for doing something idiotic. In this case, however, weÂ’ve learned about a group of city leaders who have actually done something brave and driven by common sense.

This month, weÂ’re highlighting a heroine who shined a light of her own, albeit inadvertently, on the plight of lonely, 40-something women in America. Her desperate actions have garnered the attention of many people, thus revealing the truth about horny, middle-aged MILFs.It all started near Portland, Oregon when a Washington County SheriffÂ’s deputy responded to a noise complaint called in by the neighbors of Lorna Jeanne Dudash. The deputy went to DudashÂ’s residence, knocked on the door, and then left.

Some environmental experts claim that part of Baton Rouge’s air problems can be attributed to ozone from Houston carried here by air currents. We’re not sure if they’re feeling guilty about helping us reach non-attainment status, but lately they’ve been doing some huge favors for the folks in the Bayou State.Everyone knows how Houston took in so many evacuees after Katrina. Some reports say that at least 250,000 people from New Orleans were welcomed into the city.

Once upon a time, March was the first month of the year, and it was dedicated to Mars, the god of war, signaling that the holidays were over and it was time to get up and go aÂ’killing once again. Now itÂ’s dedicated to St. Patrick, warning any future saints that if you do anything of note in Ireland, theyÂ’re gonna drink on your birthday.St. PatÂ’s is on a Friday this year, which means the majority of you wonÂ’t have to work the next day, which means youÂ’ll probably overdo it again this year. Well, fear not! Your Uncle Knick is here to help you out.

Hey folks! ItÂ’s July, and once again, itÂ’s time to celebrate Thomas Jefferson taking time off from his black slave girlfriend to write up the Declaration of Independence. Even though he was the best writer the First Continental Congress had to offer, it still took 86 adjustments to the document before it was deemed ready to present to giddy King George, proving that Jefferson was, in fact, the first real American. So live it up in true American style with hot dogs from the Germans, beer from the Czechs, and fireworks from the Chinese.

Join us as we take a journey deep into space to a distant galaxy, far, far away. There, as a result of evolutionary forces that have been hard at work for billions of years, there exists a civilization so far advanced that its inhabitants are born with wireless internet access which goes directly to their brains.

George was curious. "Could he be President of the United States?"So he asked the man with the yellow hat if he could be president. But the man with the yellow hat said, “George, you’re just a silly little monkey! You’re not qualified to be president! You could never get enough people to vote for you to be elected!”But George was curious, so he went to the Supreme Court and asked the learned and wise Republican judges if he could be president.“OK, George,” said the judges. “You can be president. But don’t get into any trouble!”So George became President.

I am planning a wedding. For those of you who havenÂ’t yet had the joy of preparing for nuptial bliss, let me tell you now that the American invasion of Normandy on D-Day probably took less preparation and planning.The things that people told me would be difficult were surprisingly a piece of cake for me. I picked out the dress. I picked out bridesmaidsÂ’ dresses that my bridesmaids not only like but also can wear again. I found the place and booked it. I havenÂ’t picked out the florist yet, but my wedding isnÂ’t until October, so I have plenty of time.

Valentine's Day is fast approaching. As those of you who regularly read my column may remember, I am not a fan of this holiday. I am, however, a fan of sex and, if you are a part of a couple on this romantic day, the almost-required-by-law mandate to get you some. Therefore, I feel it is my civic duty to inform you horny readers of songs/artists that are guaranteed to get you laid. Ladies, I am going to focus mainly on the male readers here, as it has been my experience that the only thing that most women have to do is say “hello” and we can get lucky. Men: take notes.