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The Sweeter the Juice

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This is a sad time for sports and for America. Barry Bonds is out at least half the season, and all because of our racism. ItÂ’s gone too far. It needs to stop.It was one thing for the Dred Scott case to go the way it did, for the Supreme Court to rule in favor of a Southern slave-owner.It was one thing for blacks to count only 3/5 in the voting process.It was one thing for each of the first three Rocky movies to feature the lead character, who was white, finish the movie by beating the hell out of a black man.But asking a 300-lb black man who has 2% body fat if he ever used steroids?

When the Bases Are Loaded and You Are, TooÂ…

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LetÂ’s face it. YouÂ’re rich, and you need the financial planner who is right for you. You need a guy who can protect your retirement investments. You need a guy who will allow you to live a tax-efficient life. You need a guy who can make you able to see your kids through college.

Death Valley Feeling the Heat, Southern Breathes Sigh of Relief

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Sunday, August 20, 2006, is a day that could have lived in infamy but it didnÂ’t. On this oh-so-unfortunate, late summer evening, a small fire in a concession stand in the southwest corner of LSUÂ’s Tiger Stadium produced a large amount of smoke inside the holy sanctuary known as Death Valley. Now, albeit the fire was small and contained and put out very early, the fear of losing Death Valley consumed the minds of LSU students, season ticket holders, and coonasses of all kinds.

The LSU Sports Museum: Genuflection Preferred, but Not Required

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There is a time in everyoneÂ’s life when you get to live out the fantasies you have had since grade school. No, IÂ’m not talking about a day at the Neverland Valley Ranch; IÂ’m talking about the day I had frolicking in sports memorabilia from LSUÂ’s past at the Jack and Priscilla Andonie Museum.

Bowling for Dollars

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Yes, itÂ’s my favorite time of the year. No, not the holiday season, full of love and joy and relatives; IÂ’m talking about the college bowl season. With 33 bowl games now being played in Division I-A, some of the bowls are picking some interesting names for the games, and some even weirder corporate sponsorships. Here are just some of my favoritesÂSan Diego County Credit Union® Poinsettia Bowl – December 19, 2006, 7pm, San Diego, CAThis bowl game is the winner of the most ghetto name in bowls for 2006-2007.

Toasting Cornbread

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The beginning of 2007 offers us a look back at the past year in sports. 2006 gave us a lot of high drama and lots of low character. Look no further than the most recent NBA brawl at Madison Square Garden, involving 10 players from the Knicks and Nuggets. Now, if we can learn one thing from that fiasco. itÂ’s that even the tallest and most athletic of our kind can still be taken down by a simple pimp slap. Terrell Owens continued his three-ring circus production, only this time, the location was amongst the beautiful ranches of Dallas, Texas.

Sweat + Coeds = Sweaty Coeds

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Once again, here on the grandiose oaks of LSU, the squirrels have begun their annual mating dance. So once again, I run across campus avoiding the caterpillars that the satanic tree rats keep humming in my direction. Mind you, I like to watch them torment freshmen and those professors that don’t curve (you know, the ones that say that your grade is “the scalar quantity of your test and homework grades”). But more important than the barrage of caterpillars and demented squirrels, our two weeks of winter and spring are over and it is getting HOT!!!

Saturday Night Lights

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I am the sign man at LSU football games. That’s right: I am that guy before the games that writes such witticisms as, “Hey, ULL – We could have saved you a trip and just played Lee High – at least the cheerleaders would have been cuter,” and, “Our levees can hold back your little green tide” on a board and roams around the tailgaters. Of course, I change the wordings during the game, entertaining the students with much more personalized statements, as, “Don’t leave, Tulane can come back and score 7 touchdowns and win,” and, “Did I die and go to heaven, or is it Sat.

Summer of Discontent

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I, like the French, have surrendered. For yet another year, summer wins. I've pulled back my forces, licked my wounds (salty!), and retreated to my last bastion of comfort – the pool. In theory, I'd retreat indoors. After all, brilliant humanitarian visionaries have, in acts of divine inspiration, granted us a reprieve from the torture in the form of air conditioning. Sadly, while those geniuses have done us all a magnificent service, it isn't entirely free.

P’tooey

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So, I learned a fun new game to play with my brain today. I had some chewing gum that I'd been chewing – some of the cheap stuff that loses its flavor after about three seconds. It had, predictably, done so. Hence, I was considering getting rid of it.My first notion was to spit it out into the trash. So, I leaned over and was about to do so, when it struck me that the can in question had no bag liner. I wouldn't really be throwing my gum away – I'd be depositing it for future generations of scientists to study in its petrified state.This seemed bad.

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