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War on Wires


Wires suck. They tangle. People trip over them. Animals gnaw on them. Musicians lose them. Nerds collect them.We need wires to connect things that need to be connected. How do we connect things without wires? We also use wireless to connect things that need to be connected. We have two options when it comes to connectivity: wires and wireless. Seems like there should be a third option, but that's pretty much it. From there, we just have to work on making more things wireless.

Cellulosic Ethanol: Tomorrow’s Fuel for Drinking and Driving


Everybody loves alcohol. It has helped us start and win wars, it’s why we changed the constitution twice, and it just makes sense. It is the social lubricant that keeps the cynically self-righteous, moral fabric of our society from chafing against the swollen genitals of our collective guilt and denial. Alcohol is natural, legal, and moral, and you can drink it off of parts of sorority chicks.

E.T.: Illegal Alien


The current political debate over illegal immigration has little to do with science, or reason in general. However, when you think of immigrants as “aliens” and allude that this group may include extra-terrestrials, the debate begins to fall within the realm of pseudo-science and metaphysics, or something like that. That's good enough for me.Illegal aliens come in all shapes and sizes, including brown, black, and off-white. The illegality of their alienness also comes in troubling variety.

Thinking: The Mental Challenge


Nerds like to look at their brains and say "Hey there, sexy, that's a nice big brain you got on ya’." Admittedly, I include myself in this group. I think my brain is sexy; I know it's not the size that counts. I'm not going to say I've ever thought about the fact that my brain has cleavage, but I just did, so now you know something about me you didn't want to.I'm not just a neural narcissist. I like all kinds of big brains. Big, sexy brains make big, sexy ideas. Smart people who figure stuff out are my heroes, them and the cyclops from Krull, and Sloth from The Goonies.

Earth: Magnet for Change


Any geologist worth his basalt will tell you that the Earth is overdue for a Brunhes-Matuyama reversal. That's when the Earth’s magnetic poles flip-flop like they're running for office. This impending geomagnetic reversal means that, sometime soon, magnetic north will be south and vice versa.Scientists are still debating what causes this event, let alone the consequences. The prevailing theory is that the Earth’s chewy, caramel interior ripens and becomes too delicious.

Stem Cells: The Root of All Evil


Life, like breakfast, is best when it begins with an egg. The egg is one of the most common reproductive formats. Even complex mammalian organisms such as humans have eggs somewhere, so I’m told. These mammalian eggs are only one part of the elegantly mysterious equation describing the circle of life, which, in our world, inevitably results in babies – plump, tender, delicious babies.Babies, according to Wikipedia, come from mommies and daddies.

Relativity, Part 1: Special


The year is 1905. You are a zany German, working in a Swiss patent office. You are young, trying to impress women, and without warning, you grow a head of hair that challenges classical physics. All you want are fast women and fast, horseless carriages. Your hair wants to change the world.This was Albert Einstein’s life at the age of 26. He was faced with a choice: cut the wild hair and get back to his life, or let it grow and allow each strand to wander into new dimensions of truth.

Relativity, Part 2: General


Gravity strikes without warning. It is the silent killer, the thief, the undertaker. It can be completely unpredictable, despite the fact that it has been doing the exact same thing for around 14 billion years. The human race has lost countless lives to the merciless will of gravity, and even today, it looms as an ever-present threat to all things that are made of matter, which most things are.Human beings have feared gravity since the tragic realization that babies do not bounce.

Iberville Lands Major Hollywood Production


The Great Big StoryYet another big Hollywood production is headed to Louisiana. Production is set to begin in Iberville Parish later this year on Anal Traffic XXXVI: Sphincters of Fire. A project of Los Angeles-based Wankerville Studios, the latest chapter in the award-winning saga stars Heady Lamar and Justin Thundercock, and features a cameo appearance by Driver the Wonder Mule. 

My Views


Our United States Supreme Court is finally shining the light of Christian righteousness throughout this great country in the form of last monthÂ’s ruling that affirms a federal law banning partial-birth abortions. This light is, in fact, a train. ItÂ’s a great locomotive of justice rumbling through this great country that will not and cannot be stopped. 


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