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Opening PandoraÂ’s Box

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Pandora running in the night 
To find a secret place 
To hide the box no man can touch 
Or nuzzle with his face. 

 

Pandora crying in her bed, 
Her face awash in tears, 
Remembering the words they said 
And love lost through the years. 

Pandora sitting on the snow 
Upon a frozen tush, 
Feeling the amber afterglow 
Inside the burning bush. 

Thar She Blows

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Dear Joann,

I figured, since youÂ’re a girl, you might be able to give me a pointer or two with my situation. ThereÂ’s this girl I like a lot, but I canÂ’t seem to talk to her. ItÂ’s not that IÂ’m shy; I just canÂ’t seem to get a word in when IÂ’m around her. She just talks too much!

I know it sounds contradictory to say I canÂ’t talk to a girl because she talks too much, but thereÂ’s just no other way to explain it. ItÂ’s one of those deals where a person talks all the time without really saying anything.

Can You Hear What I Hear?

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ItÂ’s time to talk a little common sense.

Lately, there seems to be a problem with cars and trains. They are called vehicle/train accidents. These are not accidents. An accident is something that you do not intend to happen. Vehicle/train collisions are the result of sheer stupidity. This isnÂ’t the dawn of the railway. If you havenÂ’t mastered the art of driving without stopping on the train tracks, perhaps you should take the bus, possibly even the short bus.

Erin Go Faux

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Hey there, dudes and dudettes, major-league butt kicking is back in town! This time it is of the Irish variety. Faith and begorrah! This St. PattyÂ’s Day, green isnÂ’t the only color to be concerned about. On March 17th, the streets run red with riversÂ…of justice!! Matt Damon is: Patrick Saint. When you find the end of the rainbow, it wonÂ’t be that pot of gold youÂ’ve heard about. Patrick Saint will be waiting, with two sawed-off barrels of luck. Bad luck. Coming soon.

Right Channels Left - Axis of Evil 2.0

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Punxsutawney Bush saw his shadow, so it looks like four more years of war to be paid for by the American people. We believe this administration has a plan for determining who our next opponent will be. Apparently, he will put into a hat the names of all the countries that pose no actual threat to us and draw one out at random.

Need Salvation? Ask Me How!

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Baton Rouge’s combination of cars and Bible-beaters makes for a wide variety of religious bumper stickers. I can’t seem to go anywhere in this city without being stuck behind a ’77 El Camino featuring “Jesus Saves” plastered across its tailgate. As the years have passed, I’ve managed to amass a large list of messages from the faithful, the faithless, and the pissed off.

Viagra vs. The Pill

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If there's one thing the world needs more of, it's humor involving Viagra and/or sex.

A strange thing happened when Viagra was initially released, back in the "dark ages" when many old coots had to settle for holding hands or plotting ways to spend the grandkidsÂ’ inheritance. You see, when Viagra first came out, roughly half of the medical plans in America covered it. This might not seem like that big a deal, until you consider that only about a third were paying for birth control pills at the same time.

votes, goats, and zebras

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Well, look whoÂ’s in the runoff for EBR Mayor-President. ItÂ’s Bobby Simpson and Kip Holden. Does this sound familiar? It should if you were around here four years ago. Remember what happened back then? ThatÂ’s right: Bobby narrowly won. Some folks believe the outcome will be the same this November 2. IÂ’d like to take this opportunity to remind these folks that a great deal has changed in the last four years.

They Should Make a Spray for That

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It seems the media has been really focusing on the weather for the past few weeks. Not only the weather hitting and slamming into the gulf, but also the weather from around the world. I have to ask the media this: WHO CARES? Of course there are tornados and tidal waves in Japan; big deal! We nuked them 70 years ago and gave them radioactive rain. The Black Sea is flooding; whoop dee doo! We have a campaign trail to follow. Hurricane Ivan is coming into the gulf; who gives aÂ… wait, thatÂ’s going to hit AmericaÂ… Oh please, oh please, oh please, letÂ’s have a five-day weekend!

October 1, 2004

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You're a Libra, arenÂ’t yaÂ’, darlin'? Well then, ACK LIKE ONE. Don't you know what Libras are famous for? Mind-blowing lap dances for tall men. So, go find yourself a tall man, and give him a lap dance.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Just because gay marriage has been banned doesn't mean you have to protest by wearing nothing but a tube sock and body paint. Unless you're a lesbian!

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