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The Rime of the Ancient Whoremonger

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By Mr. E. BatesOf all of them I laid, And all of them I paid, With only one to ever say – “I love you.” 
She was willing and dove white, A young lady of the night, Who wanted me alone, Forever more. 
Yet being young and vain, I repaid love with pain, Rejecting the affection of a whore. 
I canÂ’t forget the wreck, Or her arms around my neck, With the deadly poison coursing through her veins. 

The Fantastic Four

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I was lucky enough to see an advanced screening of The Fantastic Four. I was really excited because I thought it was about two hos with nice racks. It was really about these five white people that went into space. Normally, this lack of black representation would make me mad. There is, however, a very good reason there were no brothers in space: Any brother with half a brain knows, if he goes to outer space with five white people and something goes wrong, heÂ’s the first one to die. 

Running Rebel

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IÂ’m sitting here, watching The Dukes of Hazzard on TV, and I canÂ’t believe we fell in love with this show. It had to be the corniest show in the world, but then I realized it started in the late seventies and blossomed in the early eighties. I mean, everyone loved it, from the Asian community to the high-class, house-on-the-hill folks.

The Great Esc8pe

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I’ve always said this world is full of crazy people. You know what? I’m right! Authoring “Altar Call” provokes a constant stream of emails to my inbox. They’re usually chock full of assertions about how bad I “suck” or how I’m the “father” of their “child.” However, I was quite disturbed by a recent email from a young man who identifies himself only by his internet handle, “Esc8ped_Cult_69.” Be forewarned: his story, which I will encapsulate here, is not for the faint of heart, as it involves being raised in and then escaping from a cult.

You Gotta Go Through What You Gotta Go Through to Get Where You Need to Go

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The old folks always say, “Never judge a book by its cover.” I have been very judgmental of this brother. As I sit in his office, preparing myself to interview him, I see, hear, and smell a lot of African ancestry, from the jazz we’re listening to right now to the many, countless books that line his bookcase. Judging by the titles, all of them have significant meaning. The brother I’m referring to is Ed Buggs: journalist, entrepreneur, and radio and television talk-show host.

Hard Court Camelot

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The similarities between LSU Men’s Basketball Coach John Brady and President George W. Bush are quite eerie. Each man succeeds a charismatic and highly controversial predecessor, only to become a charismatic and highly controversial figure himself. Each has two daughters, one of which has the initials B.B., whose first name is often misspelled by white trash, thanks to a silent-in-the-southern-dialect “A” (Brittany Brady, Barbara Bush). Each man is in his fifties.

March, 2005

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In case you haven’t noticed, folks, we have a nickname for the BACS – Louisiana’s X Games. Why do we call it that? Well, just like the X Games participants, drunk drivers take the official sport of our fair state (drinking) and take it to the “extreme.” (In case you didn’t know, that’s where the “X” comes from.) These fine athletes risk physical injury for the sake of accomplishing feats that many say can’t, or shouldn’t, be done. They ignore the naysayers and follow their dream of, one day, hoisting the Judge Don Johnson Trophy.

ass-u-me nothing

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Better Late Than NeverÂ…I Guess

Well, they finally did it. The East Baton Rouge Metro Council, after a seven-week stalemate and dozens of futile votes, finally elected a mayor pro tem on February 23. Four-term councilman Joe Greco got the nod, but only after the $1500 stipend for that position had been eliminated by the council just moments before the deciding votes were cast. That move allowed the pro tem candidates to vote for themselves by removing the much-discussed conflict-of-interest aspect of such a vote.

March, 2005

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PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Point of advice, dear Pisces: Even though a woman may appear to be pregnant and/or nursing children, she may just be "big boned." All is not lost, however, as you can get back on her good side with a dozen roses and three dozen donuts.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): It's one thing after another these days. I'd suggest getting really drunk, then calling all of your friends who weren't cool enough to get drunk with you. Make sure it's around three or four in the morning, and when they answer, do your best impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger ordering a pizza.

MARCH, 2005

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Avery Davidson: “I typically enjoy Red Shtick Magazine (upside-down, of course) in between my numerous rounds of NTN trivia. I love it so much, it's permeated my very life force. Whether IÂ’m reporting on a murder, a trial, or the latest cool techno-geek stuff, I always ask myself, ‘How would Red Shtick cover this?’” 

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